


One More Light

by AstralLix (SincerelySKZFan)



Series: One More Light [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's okay to not be okay sometimes, Journal Entries, Lee Felix-centric, Not any of the major characters though, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-care is important y'all, Suicidal Thoughts, changlix, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-06-15 20:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 28,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15420858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelySKZFan/pseuds/AstralLix
Summary: For as long as he could remember, Felix has always struggled in silence as his seemingly extroverted and bubbly personality masked his inner conflicts almost too perfectly. When his world starts falling apart at the seams yet again for what feels like the hundredth time, however, it is Changbin who reminds him that all hardships are ephemeral in the grand scheme of things, no matter how insufferable the trials and tribulations may be.





	1. Fate {Changbin}

Half an hour before closing time, a boy donning a black hoodie and track pants with chocolate brown hair entered the convenience store that Changbin was working at, seemingly preoccupied with the yellow loose-leaf in his hand. Changbin watched the brunette from behind the counter as he handed a customer her bags and change; the boy's face was scrunched up in concentration as he continued to walk ahead. Before Changbin could call out to the boy who was headed straight for a shelf of snacks, said boy bumped into a leaving customer and Changbin breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful that he didn't have to rearrange all the items the boy almost knocked over. After he mumbled a quick apology to the lady he bumped into, the brunette continued walking only to trip over his own two feet. He turned slightly pink, swiftly getting back on his feet and proceeded to walk towards the frozen section in the back.

 

For some reason, Changbin found the boy's clumsiness slightly endearing albeit the fact that he almost had to pick up and rearrange a shelf full of chip bags.

 

A few minutes later, said boy re-emerged from one of the aisles with nothing in hand, walking straight towards him. Changbin quickly plastered on a smile and asked, "Hello, how may I help you?"

 

"Um, do you have this?" the brunette mumbled, pointing to the word 'gochujang' on the paper he was holding, which turned out to be a grocery list. Interestingly enough, every word on the list had English words scribbled next to it, and damn, this kid's voice is hella deep. His voice wasn't the kind of cacophonous booming voice that scared you out of your wits; it was somehow mellifluous, a smooth, rich tone that was soothing to the ear despite how low it was.

 

"Kid, does this look like a grocery store to you? You're not going to find that here." Changbin replied bemusedly.

 

"Um," the boy abruptly switched to English, " _damn it, how do you say I'm not sure again—_ sorry, I don't understand." The boy ran a hand through his brown locks while letting out an exasperated sigh as he pursed his lips.

 

Ah, he's a foreigner, that explains the grocery list. For the sake of the confused brunette who was evidently frustrated with himself, Changbin tried using simpler words this time.

 

"We don't have that here, sorry."

 

"Ok, thanks, um..." the boy suddenly started squinting at his torso. Was there something on his shirt? Changbin wondered, ears turning bright pink while his face remained aloof.

 

"Chang...bin?" Changbin then realized that he was staring at his nametag, which was pinned to his shirt. Of course.

 

"Thanks, Changbin!" the boy exclaimed. The boy in front of him then flashed a blinding smile and his doe-like eyes shaping into moon-like crescents; the crinkles around his eyes simply added to his charm. That, coupled with the incredibly visible freckles splattered all over his face, rendered Changbin speechless. Changbin wondered how someone could smile so radiantly after a moment of complete frustration, slightly taken aback by the brunette's sudden mood change.

 

As Changbin pondered over this thought, the brunette (it was in this moment that Changbin realized that he really needed to put a name to _that_ face) literally left—as in he had already walked away from him and disappeared back into one of the aisles. He soon returned with a sandwich and several bags of chips (which was ironically from the shelf that he had almost knocked over moments ago), setting them on the counter in front of him. After he put everything in a bag, Changbin dropped the change into the boy's hand. In return, the boy gave him another small smile before leaving the store. Changbin's gaze lingered on the closing door for a little while longer before he greeted another customer and promptly scanned their items. As he fell back into the same old routine as cashier, his encounter with the clumsy, freckled foreigner faded into distant memory. Little did he know, however, that the very same freckled foreigner would soon introduce himself as Felix and his friend group would unknowingly take in a baby koala who all of them would quickly come to adore.


	2. Fate {Felix}

The choreographer watched on, eyes watchful and observant as the dance crew practiced. Despite having danced for several hours, the dancers' movements were still precise and sharp since hard work and perseverance never betrayed, and most of them had been training for years. The dancers soon struck the ending pose, out of breath from the demanding choreography but staying in their positions nonetheless.

"Good," the choreographer commented, "we'll continue tomorrow." A chorus of 'thank you's' resonated throughout the studio as the choreographer leaves the room. The group dispersed, some gathering their belongings while others took a seat on the bench or the floor, wiping off their sweat and chugging down some water. Eventually, the exhausted dancers piled out the door one after another. Hyunjin and Minho—two fellow dancers whom Felix befriended at the beginning of the school year—bid him goodbye before animatedly bickering over where they should go for dinner as they made their way out.

The studio soon emptied out until Felix, who was sitting on the floor while leaning against the mirror in an attempt to calm his erratic pulse, was the only one remaining. After a few minutes and chugs of water later, the newly silent studio was replaced with the sound of shoes squeaking against the floor. Felix was going through the dance again; he always liked to go over the whole routine a few more times by himself after practice whenever he had the chance to do so. In the middle of his second repetition, however, someone suddenly bursts through the door, startling him. Felix's successive movement looked disjointed as he almost loses his footing in surprise; he would have taken a tumble for sure had he not automatically stuck out his right leg to balance himself. _Thank goodness for my reflexes_ , Felix thought as he breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Crap, I'm too late!" the boy exclaimed once he took in the largely empty studio which was devoid of his best friends. However, upon realizing that he had scared Felix, the boy profusely apologized. Felix just shot him a small smile.

"I am so sorry, I was supposed to meet up with my friends for dinner, but I woke up too late from my nap, and oh my god, I'm _so_ going to get an earful from Minho hyung when I find him," the boy let out an exasperated sigh, prompting Felix to assure the boy that he was fine.

"It's okay, really. I, um, didn't exactly understand everything but you mentioned Minho hyung? Don't worry, he left with Hyunjin uh... _crap, how do you say not too long ago_...um...earlier?" It was frustrating for Felix whenever he couldn't complete a sentence the way he intended to because of his lack of fluency, and it happened way more frequently than he would like, especially when he was nervous. Before Felix could continue, however, the boy interrupted him.

" _Oh, you're not from here? I can speak English as well, don't worry. Thanks for letting me know! I'm Jisung by the way._ "

Felix smiled widely in response, eye crinkles and all.

" _I'm Felix, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that. As much as I'm enjoying this conversation, you might want to leave now so that you can catch up to Minho hyung and Hyunjin._ "

" _Crap, you're right. See you later! It was nice meeting you, Felix!_ "

Jisung comically spun around and sped out the door, leaving an amused Felix who wore a small smile on his face. He hoped Jisung would find his friends soon and that Minho hyung would spare him the lecture since it was an accident on Jisung's part. The Minho hyung he knew was kind-hearted though, so he was sure Jisung would be fine. After some wishful thinking, Felix continued with his practice, starting over from the very beginning of the repetition. He went over the routine one more time after that before calling it a night.

As Felix exited the building and proceeded to walk back to his aunt's house, he passed by an apartment that was occupied by seven rowdy boys without sparing the building a second glance. Little did he know, however, that sometime in the near future he would be a frequent visitor at that very apartment, laughing along with the seven residents and another frequent visitor (Jeongin, the youngest, hadn't started college yet) whom he would come to call his best friends, his second family. Once Jisung introduced Felix to his group of friends, Chan almost immediately took the younger Australian under his wing and the nine boys soon became inseparable. From then on, it was **nine or none** despite all the banter and constant teasing, and none of the boys would have it any other way.


	3. The Fake Maknae Attacks the Real Maknae

Jisung jumped in surprise as translucent bubbles appeared out of nowhere in his line of vision. It was one thing for snowflakes to come floating down during a snowstorm in the middle of winter, but one would certainly never expect stray bubbles falling from the ceiling of an apartment.

" _How are ya doing Sungie?_ " Felix sing-songed as he pressed the trigger on the bubble gun yet again, spraying Jisung with more bubbles.

"Ack—" Jisung exclaimed as a bubble landed in his mouth.

With a quick _hmph_ and a pout at his unanswered question, Felix shot more bubbles in the air as he spun around in a circle because why the heck not? As Jisung reached his hand out to pop the bubbles, Felix does the same albeit unintentionally as he runs past the curtain of bubbles towards an unassuming Seungmin and Changbin.

" _How are ya doing Seungmin?_ " Felix asked as he circled around the redhead, shooting more bubbles into the air above them. Changbin jolted slightly and he blurted out a small 'what the-' while Seungmin remained unbothered, completely ignoring Felix altogether.

" _Not good? Okay, nevermind._ "

"This is Korea, can we please speak in Korean?" Changbin complained half-heartedly while glaring at the unexpected bubbles that rained down on him.

"Changbin hyunggg!" Felix called out while dragging out the 'hyung'.

" _Look at the bubbles!_ " the Australian continued excitedly, completely ignoring Changbin's request to speak in Korean (just like how he was ignored by Seungmin, what a fake friend he was). Changbin could only shake his head at the younger's behavior, a small smile making its way onto his face.

"You better hide that before Woojin hyung or Chan hyung takes it away from you," he then suggested, one corner of his lips curling up into his signature smirk.

"Don't be silly hyung," the younger mused, "you know Woojin hyung would never do that—"

Changbin knew the younger was right, Woojin hyung was a big softie and could never take away his dongsaeng's source of happiness. Not too long ago when Woojin and Felix went out to buy snacks for the whole crew, Felix ended up with not only some string cheese, sausages, and chips, but also a bottle of cleansing foam because apparently, Felix ran out of it that very morning and Woojin saw no problem with buying it for him. The trip to the convenience store should've taken no more than half an hour but the duo didn't get back until almost an hour later, so when the others questioned the two about it, Woojin simply stated that they had a very important matter to attend to. Turns out the "important matter" was just stopping to buy Felix some ice cream—Felix sheepishly revealed later on that when they passed by an ice cream parlor, he mentioned that he was in the mood for some ice cream (because, well, when isn't he in the mood for such delicious goodness? ) and Woojin oh-so-graciously got him the strawberry ice cream that he was craving.

After recalling the incident, Changbin realized that Woojin had such a soft spot for the young Australian—almost everyone in their friend group did, including himself if he was honest about it. There was just something about Felix that was so endearing; it was in his clingy, child-like nature and his empathetic, more sentimental side that he lets show when someone is in need. The young boy loved cuddles and his blinding smiles and loud laughs were nothing short of infectious. It's hard to imagine anybody hating Lee Felix because the younger was just so pure, so sincere and kind-hearted that you just want to squish his cheeks and make him happy forever and ever.

"Chan hyung on the other hand, would just steal my toy to keep for himself."

Seungmin snorted in response because Chan hyung, or should he say their fake maknae, would most definitely do that. Not long after, Felix's prediction came true and Changbin has to comfort a pouting Felix, whose bubble gun indeed got stolen away by none other than his fellow Aussie buddy. With his arms wrapped around Felix's waist, Changbin watched Chan who was waiting by the door, the latter with Felix's bubble gun in hand ready to attack Jeongin. Seconds later, a poor, unassuming high schooler opened the door and laughter filled the room as Jeongin fell comically on his butt, screeching as he was attacked with bubbles.

After that whole debacle, Changbin rested his chin in the crook of Felix's neck, who in turn tilted his head slightly to rest his head on that of the elder's. His arms rested comfortably on top of Changbin's, whose own arms were wrapped snugly around his body. He found himself encasing the elder's interlaced hands with his own and leaned into the hug as a sense of comfort and familiarity washed over him. There was something about Changbin hyung that always made him feel safe and protected, which was perhaps why upon their first encounter, the only thought that ran through his mind when he saw the elder was 'wow, what a man'. From the way he looked to the way he introduced himself, the elder just exuded masculinity; he has been and will always be manly in Felix's eyes, even if he liked to act cute these days. Felix chuckled at the thought of 'baby Changbin', and when said boy asked him why he was laughing, Felix merely said "Nothing," and shot him an innocent smile. Maybe one day he'll let the elder know just how much he admired him, but for now, he was content with just enjoying each other's company.


	4. When It Gets Hard

To Felix, waking up snugly enveloped in his soft comforter during the winter was one of the greatest feelings. Although the air was chilly, his comforter trapped in his body heat and wrapped around him in such a way that made it hard for him to voluntarily get out of bed. This morning, however, he couldn't get himself out of bed for a different reason; there was a heaviness settled on his chest that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he tried to go back to sleep in hopes of waking up in a better state. 

After endless toss and turns, Felix huffed out a heavy sigh and resigned completely to his emotions. He knew that for today, the littlest things would tick him off; he could already feel the aggravation settling in because he had started the day off like shit without even getting out of bed. On these types of days, he preferred to spend time alone and out of everyone's way in hopes of minimizing the shit storm that was bound to happen if he had to interact with any other human being. Days like these made him wonder if he had anger issues, for he could be absolutely relentless with his words and attitude without being provoked—or, frankly speaking, just an absolute, insensitive asshole—but of course, he made sure to avoid his friends like the plague whenever he wasn't in control of himself or his emotions. He couldn't have them seeing him in this state.  

After brooding for a while longer, Felix was fed up with laying in bed and yanked his blanket off, which proved to be another annoyance as it was tangled around his body. Once he successfully unraveled himself, he swung himself off the bed and was greeted by the chilly air as he padded out of his room. After mechanically going through the motions, Felix wordlessly slipped out of the house in search of some much needed time alone to freely think and calm himself. 

With his phone tucked into the right pocket of his black coat and earbuds in, Felix headed to the park which was a mere fifteen-minute walk from his aunt's house. As much as he couldn't help lashing out, he had enough experience with these types of days to know what to do in order to ground himself. Nine out of ten times he would walk to the park just to clear his mind and let his emotions simmer down. Once he controlled his emotions, however, there was always this void that seemed to be left behind, a kind of emptiness that he still hasn't learned to fill even after all this time.

Although discouraged, Felix set the thought aside and tried to distract himself by focusing on the music that was flowing through his earbuds. "A Little Braver" by New Empire, his favorite song, had been on loop since he ventured out of the house and Felix was currently listening to the reminiscent and melodic beginning of the song for the nth time as he arrived at the all-too-familiar park. 

**With December comes a glimmer on her face,**

**and I get a little bit nervous, I get a bit nervous now**

Standing in front of a bench, Felix brushed off the thin layer of snow that covered it, promptly taking a seat on the cold surface and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his unzipped coat. The whole way here he had focused on the melody of the song, glossing over the lyrics until he could fully focus on them without any distractions. The words flowed freely out of the earbuds and into his busy mind. 

**Well we met each other at the house of runaways**

**I remember it perfectly, we were running on honesty**

**We moved together like a silver lock and key**

**But now that your lock has changed, I know I can't fit that way**

Leaning back, Felix's hand entered his line of vision as he reached towards the sky, trying to grasp onto something, anything. The sky was in a state of oblivion, a wide expanse of nullity with every corner encased in bright white; a scene that was jarring to the naked eye. The typical blue sky that was almost always adorned with wisps of clouds in all shapes in sizes was nowhere to be seen. With a defeated sigh, Felix lowered his gaze from the bleak sky, for the bare and desolate sight was relentless in reminding him of his current state of mind. 

**The playgrounds, they get rusty and your**

**Heart beats another ten thousand times before**

**I get to say, I want you**

As if without a care, Felix dropped his arm, arm hitting the bench with a resounding  _thud_ as a small tingling sensation subsequently traveled up his arm. He ignored the dull throbbing at his knuckles which had borne most of the impact. _  
_

**When it gets hard,**

**I get a little stronger now, I get a little braver now**

**When it gets dark,**

**I get a little brighter now, I get a little wiser now**

**Before I give my heart away...**

Pulling out his phone, Felix pressed the pause button and removed the earbuds before shoving them into his pockets. The melancholic lyrics and soft melody lingered as he watched snowflakes continuously drift from the sky, some landing softly on his face, clothes and all before promptly melting due to his body heat. His vision soon blurred as spots of white obscured his view of the playground in front of him, the perpetrator none other than the lot of minuscule snowflakes perched on top of his long, dark brown lashes. As much as the music spoke to him, right now all he needed was silence. Felix's eyelids drooped and he yielded to darkness, effectively obstructing the jarring light and everything around him. After what could've been seconds or minutes, Felix opened his eyes again, now staring at everything and nothing all at once. At this moment, he surrendered himself to the thoughts that had been pestering him for his attention all this time. 

He was tired, so tired of feeling. From moments of pure joy and elation to piercing jealously to vehement anger, upon recalling any specific moment that could elicit an emotion, the emotion would sink its talons into him, refusing to let go. It was exhausting more than anything. 

"Felix?" a familiar voice called out in the distance, interrupting Felix's thoughts. Felix simply closed his eyes, praying that his silence would make his hyung assume that he had mistaken him for someone else and walk away. Of course, things never went his way, and once he opened his eyes, Changbin stood right in front of him, the latter peering down at him in curiosity. 

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Changbin asked. 

Felix plastered a small smile on his face, answering with "Just felt like taking a breather to clear my head I guess," while shrugging. Changbin hummed in response.

"Are you ready to get going yet? You're going to catch a cold if you stay here for too long," Changbin said, his tone gentle yet assertive. He didn't know how long Felix had been sitting out in the cold for and he certainly did not want him to catch a cold, especially since the younger already had a crappy immune system to begin with. Apparently, Australia had no winters—at least not freezing ones with snowfall—and Felix was more prone to get sick since he wasn't used to it. 

Felix let out a small sigh, knowing that his hyung wouldn't let him sit out here much longer, so he conceded and allowed the other to pull him up. Changbin asked him if he wanted to come over and he reluctantly said yes. Frankly, he didn't care enough to reject the offer and he figured that he could always say he was tired (and he was, it was just a different kind of tiredness) and feign sleep. Changbin attempted to converse with the younger as they walked towards the apartment, but Felix kept his responses short and didn't speak unless spoken to. Consequently, the two walked in silence for the rest of the way, and if Changbin found Felix's behavior strange in any way, he didn't comment on it. 

 


	5. Trauma

"Who's that? Changbinnie? Oh, Felix!" Woojin exclaimed from his spot on the sofa as Changbin and Felix entered the residence. The corner of Felix's lips lifted slightly at his hyung's enthusiastic greeting. It was a Saturday and since none of them had any classes to attend, most of the crew was lounging in the living room, and even Jeongin was already there when the two arrived. 

"Lix! Come join us, we're watching 'Finding Dory'!" Jisung beckoned, patting the seat next to him and Jeongin on the carpeted floor. He then stuffed his cheeks with popcorn after summoning Felix and grinned widely when his best friend took a seat right beside him. 

"Binnie hyung," Hyunjin called out, arms wide open as an invitation for the elder to sit with him. Changbin motioned for the younger to move over and make some space for him to sit, but how could there be space when four growing boys (growing, _ha_ ) were already squished onto a single sofa? Nevertheless, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Woojin huddled closer in an attempt to accommodate their friend while Minho remained unmoving, face scrunched up in dissatisfaction at the invasion of his personal space. Hyunjin slung his arm around Changbin's shoulder once the elder took a seat next to him. 

"Really? 'Finding Dory'?" Changbin questioned as he made himself comfortable, eyes narrowing as he judged their selection. Eight of them were college students for crying out loud.  

"We have a child in this house, what else would we be watching? Plus, it's a masterpiece." Woojin replied sternly—well, as sternly as he could anyway, the eldest resembled a cuddly bear too closely to come off as stern, but hey, wishful thinking, I guess?

"Hyung!" the youngest replied, clearly offended, "I'm a senior in high school, not a middle schooler!" He actually really wanted to watch the movie but he certainly wasn't going to let the hyungs blatantly baby him like this.

"As if you didn't want to watch it," Seungmin chimed in, all while tickling the youngest. 

"Gah, stop it!" Jeongin complained, body leaning against Felix as he tried to get as far away from Seungmin as possible. 

Suddenly, the door burst open and Chan walked in, jaws clenched and eyes alight with anger. He slammed the door, surprising most of his friends, and profanities spewed out of his mouth instead of his usual cheery greeting. 

"Chan-ah, what's wrong?" Woojin inquired as he got up from his seat and walked towards his friend who was undoubtedly furious. 

"I was on the bus coming home from work and some asshole decided it was okay to push an elderly person to get past her just to board the fucking bus. He pushed her so hard she fell over and I swear to god, I was _this_ close to fucking punching that asshole. Who in their right minds would do that to somebody else, let alone to an elderly woman?!" Chan raged, practically flinging his shoes and coat off as he made his way into the living room. 

Felix had jolted in surprise when Chan opened the door and his racing heart raged on as he took in Chan's anger. Even though he knew the anger wasn't directed towards him, he still had a hard time calming his erratic pulse as he drew in shaky breaths; any kind of fighting or yelling didn't sit well with Felix since it brought him back to his childhood. He jumped yet again when a hand rested on his shoulder, and when he turned around to look back at the person, it was none other than Changbin, who couldn't help but notice Felix's wide eyes and terrified expression. Although perplexed, Changbin didn't hesitate to hold Felix's hand and pull him up to lead him towards his room.

Felix felt like he was underwater; Chris's words were too loud yet muffled at the same time and his legs nearly gave out when Changbin hyung pulled him up and brought him into a room. As the elder sat him down on a bed, Felix tried hard to stay still as waves of shivers rippled through him. His back remained tense and Changbin watched the younger's adam's apple bobble up and down as he held onto Felix's shaking hands. 

He didn't know what to say or if he should say anything at all; the younger was very obviously distressed and it wouldn't be a reach to say that the freckled boy was hyperventilating. Felix had his eyes tightly shut and Changbin wordlessly pulled the shaking boy into his arms, rubbing circles on his back in hopes of calming him. Slowly but gradually, the tension left him; Felix lifted his arms to wrap them around Changbin's body and everything seemed to leave his body with one final sigh. Changbin decided to speak up then. 

"Lix," he began quietly, "can you tell me what happened?" 

Felix knew the question was coming. He didn't want to admit such things, but after keeping it to himself for so long, the words seemed to leave his mouth before he could even think to reconsider. 

"I, um, don't like it when people start yelling when they're angry. Like people fighting and stuff? I just can't handle it, especially when people yell at each other. I know Chan hyung wasn't mad at us or anything but..." Felix trailed off, not offering any more information. What he left unsaid was that for as long as he could remember, his parents always fought and argued about everything without caring about whether or not he was in the room. He could vividly remember his six-year-old self crouched on the bathroom floor, nauseous and ready to throw up as tears streamed down his face while his dad patted his back and yelled at his wife to stop stressing the child out. His mom would be at the door threatening to leave while calling out her husband on his bullshit by pointing out that it was him who started the fight. Felix didn't care who started it as long as they stopped, but that never stopped the cycle from repeating, did it? As he grew older, anytime anyone would raise their voice, his heartbeat would speed up and the familiar choked-up feeling would return. At its worst, Felix's entire body would go rigid with tension, hands reflexively reaching up to cover his ears in an attempt to block the cruel words.

"Okay, thank you for telling me," Changbin replied, eyes saddening upon the realization that his pure-hearted dongsaeng carried such a burden with him. He felt a sudden urge to protect the younger and unknowingly tightened the hold he had on the boy in his arms, drawing the brunette even closer to him. 

"Uh, hyung?" the words came out muffled as Felix spoke to the elder's shirt. 

"Yes, Lix?" 

"Can I take a nap somewhere? I'm tired," Felix entreated, emotionally exhausted from this morning's events and feeling vulnerable after revealing one of his many shortcomings. His crestfallen face attested to his words and he suddenly looked years older in Changbin's eyes. Felix's eyes were dull and his slouched figure made it seem like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders; it was as if Changbin saw the younger's innocence disappear right before his eyes. 

"Of course, just lay down on my bed," Changbin said, speaking softly as he motioned for the younger to rest his head on the pillow. 

Once Changbin tucked Felix into his bed, Felix pulled up his covers to cover half his face before he asked the elder one last thing. 

"Hyungie, can I have Gyu?" Felix asked Changbin sheepishly. He couldn't help it, he just slept better with a stuffed animal next to him. 

Changbin almost melted at the sight of the boy in front of him. With his big, doe-like eyes and tiny fingers grasping the blanket, how could anyone have the heart to refuse him? 

"Of course, Jikseu," Changbin replied while bringing Gyu over and into the grasp of the younger's outstretched hands. Felix settled the stuffed animal on his chest, one arm wrapped securely around the plushie as his eyelids fluttered closed. Changbin gently moved the younger's bangs away from his forehead and repeated the movement incessantly, eyes never leaving the younger's serene face until the latter's breathing evened out.

Felix relaxed as he felt the ghost of a hand gently stroking his forehead for the gesture was strangely comforting. Earlier that morning when he had planned to feign tiredness and fall asleep once he arrived at his friends' apartment, Felix never imagined that he'd be so at ease and actually resting. Perhaps it was his hyung's presence or his earnest reassurance through the form of a hug, but before he could figure it out, Felix succumbed to a calm and peaceful slumber. 


	6. Hyung, You Have That Stupid Smile On Your Face Again

Once he was sure Felix had fallen asleep, Changbin slowly and carefully got up from the bed as to not disturb the younger's slumber. He sat down at his desk and preoccupied himself with his lyric book, looking over some of the phrases that he had jotted down and interjecting words here and there. It was just a little side hobby of his; Jisung and he composed and wrote lyrics to the songs that Chan hyung produced, so whenever he had the time, Changbin liked to play around with words in hopes of finding something he could use for their next song. Currently, he was brainstorming lyrics for a track that was on the slower side; it was sentimental and almost paradoxical in the way that it was emotional while maintaining a more upbeat and hopeful sound. Although this wasn't the kind of sound that they usually went for, it was a nice change of pace and the message still stayed true to the kind of music that the trio resolved to write. The inspiration and meaning behind their songs always came from their surroundings and their experiences; the trio's goal was to convey the reality of living as a young adult in this day and age with all the feelings and hardships that were unique to their generation. Hopefully, when the time comes, they'll be able to share their songs with others.

Upon listening to the track for the first time, Changbin knew almost immediately that the message that he wanted to convey this time would be hopeful, something that would address the despair and loneliness one might feel when life seemed hopeless. He could only come up with ' **believe in yourself, you can do it well** ' before he heard the door creak open. Woojin peered in, eyes zeroing in on Felix, who was still fast asleep on Changbin's bed before his gaze met with Changbin's. 

"How long has he been asleep for?" Woojin whispered quietly.

"Not for long," Changbin replied. 

Woojin was about to step into the room to speak to Changbin within closer proximity and even made a point to close the door slowly, but Jeongin unfortunately rendered Woojin's attempt at being quiet useless when he emitted one of his dolphin screams from the living room. The eldest stilled completely before shutting the door, not realizing that his efforts were fruitless until he turned around to see Felix sitting up on the bed and tiredly rubbing his eyes.

"Changbin hyung?" Felix called out, his voice deeper than usual from having just woken up. Changbin and Woojin couldn't help but marvel at how ridiculously deep-sounding the younger's voice was; no matter how frequently they heard it, Felix's voice would never cease to catch them off guard. 

"Oh, Woojin hyung," Felix paused as a yawn escaped his lips, "you're here too."

"I just came in to ask what you two wanted for lunch" Woojin explained.

"Lunch?" Felix exclaimed, head snapping up and eyes widening, "Can we have tteokbokki? No, wait, let's have chicken! Woojin hyung, you love chicken, let's order chicken!" 

The younger's words were slightly slurred but that didn't take away from his excitement. Changbin and Woojin chuckled as the younger looked wide awake without a single hint of sleepiness evident in his features at the mention of lunch.    

"Alright Lix-ah, we'll order chicken and tteokbokki and make some ramen ourselves too," Woojin concluded.

Felix let out a small 'yes!' and raised his arms above his head in victory. Changbin smiled as he couldn't help but notice that Felix looked a lot like the \\(^o^)/ emoticon, especially since his eyes were still half closed from having just woken up.

Felix swung off the bed energetically, accidentally knocking Gyu off the bed in the process. With a dramatic 'oh no!', Felix swooped the plushie off the floor and dusted it off frantically. 

"Sorry, Binnie hyung," Felix apologized, "I didn't mean to drop him, but look!" 

Felix stuck his arms out with Gyu in his hands, "I dusted him off and he's as good as new," Felix continued, positively beaming. The lively and child-like Felix returned and Changbin wore a soft smile on his face, relieved that his dongsaeng was smiling once more. It wasn't often that he gets to witness a solemn Felix, and he earnestly hoped that from now on, he'd get to witness it even less. If he could help it, he would do anything in his power to make sure that the younger was always happy, but he knew that it was always easier said than done.  

At the thought of making Felix happy, Changbin couldn't resist the urge to ruffle the younger's head and when he did, Felix merely smiled wider and clung on to Changbin's side like the koala that he was. They struggled to walk out into the living room as Felix refused to let go of his 'Binnie hyung', so they slowly waddled into the living room together, Felix giggling as Changbin flicked his forehead in a bid to get him to let go. Walking with another human attached to him was agonizing because of how slowly they were walking (not that he actually minded though, but Mr. I-Love-Dark certainly wasn't going to admit that). Felix remained attached to his hyung like an extra limb until Woojin yelled from the kitchen that the ramen was ready, which had Felix automatically running towards the kitchen while Changbin watched his Jikseu disappear into the kitchen with an affectionate smile on his face.

Jisung observed his two friends in silence as he took in the sight of his best friend latched onto Changbin hyung as they made their way out of the room and his eyebrows raised even further when he noticed the fond look on the elder's face. There was something about the two that he couldn't quite put a finger on, perhaps it was some kind of connection that ran deeper than friendship? He had always been naturally more observant than others but he supposed whatever was going on between Felix and Changbin was more obvious than he thought since Hyunjin started teasing the elder seconds after Felix ran off. 

"Changbin hyung, you have that stupid smile on your face again," Hyunjin provoked, cackling as Changbin told him to shut up. Jisung refrained from saying something similar and happily hummed a random tune as he wondered how things were going to progress between the two, but knowing his oblivious best friend and his "I love dark" hyung, neither would catch on to their feelings anytime soon. Despite the language barrier, the pair had always seemed to empathize and understand each other in a way that the rest of them couldn't and he knew for a fact that both of them cared for the other much more than they let show. Everyone in their friend group looked out for one another like family, but the way Changbin and Felix treated each other hinted at something different. Jisung figured, however, that whatever will be, will be, so he decided to stay uninvolved and let fate do its thing. 

 

 


	7. Where is He?

The clock read 2:27 PM when Seungmin entered the classroom, just three minutes before the class officially started. Seungmin made his way towards his usual seat in the second row right next to Felix's currently unoccupied window seat. 'How peculiar' he thought, Felix was always earlier than him and Seungmin didn't think he'd ever seen Felix running late. Minutes passed and soon enough, their calculus teacher walked through the door and promptly erased the blackboard before starting off where they'd last left off. Meanwhile, Felix's seat remained empty throughout the period, prompting Seungmin to secretly send a quick text to Felix to inquire about his whereabouts while Mr. Choi faced the blackboard. After doing so, Seungmin decided to focus on taking detailed notes so that Felix could copy from him later. 

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Once class ended, Seungmin checked his phone to find that his text to Felix had remained unanswered. After spamming the brunette for several minutes straight on every social media platform possible, Seungmin decided to send a message to the group chat comprised of the '00 liners. At least one of them must've heard from Felix today. 

_3:35 PM_

**Seungmin** : anyone know why Felix missed class today? we had calc at 2:30 and he didn't show up??

 **Hyunjin** : nope, haven't heard from him today, maybe he's sick?

 **Squirrel** : he also missed our English class at noon...? 

 **Seungmin** : huh, guess we can only wait for him to get back to us

_4:12 PM_

**Seungmin** : i'm gonna head to his house to give him the notes he missed and see what's up

 **Squirrel** : k, let us know once you get there

When Seungmin arrived at Felix's house, his aunt answered the door. Seungmin bowed slightly and greeted her before asking for Felix. 

"Seungmin-ah, what are you here for?"

"Is Felix home by any chance?"

"Isn't he with you boys? He texted me around noon saying that he'd be heading over to Channie's place to hang out with you lot tonight after class." 

"Oh, I guess Chan hyung just forgot to tell me. Sorry for bothering you!"

"Oh, it's not a problem at all. Have fun with whatever you boys have planned for the night!"

Seungmin thanked Felix's aunt and excused himself, muttering under his breath while he walked back to the house. He figured Chan hyung must've forgotten to mention that Felix would be coming over due to his busy schedule; between school, his music, and his part-time job, Chan barely had any time to sleep let alone worry about anything else. The man was a workaholic; he lived, breathed and dreamed about working harder and doing his best, which was a quality that Seungmin couldn't help but admire. That was one thing, but then again, Seungmin suddenly realized, that doesn't explain why Felix missed class...

Roughly fifteen minutes later, Seungmin arrived back to the home that he shared with his seven closest friends. Jisung and Jeongin were playing some game on the PS4, both frantically pushing buttons on their consoles as Hyunjin, Changbin and Minho watched them. The two rivals emitted dolphin screams and piercing  _no_ 's as their eyes never left the TV screen, each as determined to win as the other. Hyunjin laughed loudly, arms wrapped loosely around Changbin who was making a jab at Jisung since he was losing against the youngest which elicited a shrill  _shut up_  from Jisung.   

After he took off his shoes, Seungmin joined the others in the lively living room just as Jeongin won the round. Jisung theatrically dropped to the floor, one hand clutching his heart while the console slipped from his grasp as Jeongin laughed animatedly, clapping like a seal. The rest laughed in amusement, already mocking Jisung, and Seungmin smiled widely at the sight. At that moment, Woojin emerged from his room.

"Guys, I'm ordering some chicken and pizza tonight for dinner, do you guys want any?"

A chorus of  _Yay_ , _chicken and pizza!_ and  _Don't forget the Cola!_ 's could be heard and the eldest immediately took out his phone to order. 

"Is Felix eating with us too?" Seungmin asked as Woojin unlocked his phone. 

"Felix? Why, is he coming over?" Woojin asked in response.

"Oh yeah," Jisung interrupted, "was he home when you stopped by?"

"That's the thing, he wasn't home and his aunt said he told her he would be hanging out with Chan hyung and coming over here tonight," Seungmin said, frowning slightly as he tried to make sense of the situation.

"Wait, why'd you visit his house in the first place?" Changbin asked in confusion while sitting up straighter, releasing him from Hyunjin's hold.

"Wait, does no one know about Felix coming over? He missed two classes this morning and he didn't reply to my texts so I went over to give him the notes he'd missed, but then he wasn't home either. Actually, where's Chan hyung? He should know since Felix said he'd be hanging out with him today," Seungmin conferred. 

" _Chan hyung!_ " Hyunjin bellowed, "He's been in his room since he came back from class," he then explained. The muffled sound of chair wheels in motion and some shuffling could be heard as Chan got up from his seat and made his way out of his room. 

"Yeah?" Chan replied upon entering the living room. 

"Chan hyung, when is Felix coming over today?" Seungmin questioned.

"Felix? Since when was he coming over?" Chan said, head tilting to one side at the unexpected question as his eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment.  

"Wait a second, has anyone even heard from Felix today?" Jisung wondered aloud. 

The question was met with silence and the silence spoke for them. Seungmin recapped the situation once more for Chan, who then informed the others that he had, in fact, heard nothing from Felix today. 

"Maybe Lix hyung had something to do," Jeongin mused.

"Yeah, let's just order dinner and maybe he'll contact us or even show up in a little bit," Minho added. 

Though unconvinced, the majority nodded in agreement and Woojin continued with his previous task of ordering food. The chicken and pizza arrived within half an hour and the eight of them demolished all of it within an even shorter amount of time. 

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By the time they finished eating, all eight boys had each personally messaged and/or called Felix at one point or another. All the calls, however, eventually went to voicemail and every text remained unread. Changbin personally called the brunette nine times within the last half an hour and left countless messages in hopes of reaching the freckled boy. The whole situation was unsettling and Changbin felt hopelessly restless. 

"Alright, I can't sit still any longer. It's 6:30, if we wait any longer it'll be dark out so I'm going to look for him," Changbin announced while retrieving his jacket. Of course, everyone was nervous about Felix's disappearance but Changbin's behavior, in particular, showed just how anxious he was about the whole situation. It was in the way Changbin was constantly jittery, how he would get up and pace around the room every once in a while, eyes glued to the phone he had clutched tightly in hand. Even Hyunjin's soft whispers of reassurance and comforting touch couldn't calm Changbin's racing mind. _Where could Felix be? Was he okay? Did something happen?_

"If Changbin hyung's going, I'm going too," Jisung declared.

"It's fine, I'll look for him myself." 

"Hyung, it'll be faster if more of us look for him and we'll have a greater chance of finding him," Jisung reasoned as he refrained from saying  _he's my best friend too._  He knew it was childish but he couldn't help it, this was Felix that they were talking about for crying out loud. 

"He's right, Changbin-ah, we'll find him faster with more of us looking for him," Woojin added while putting a comforting hand on Changbin's shoulder in an attempt to calm the frantic boy. Changbin muttered a small 'fine' in response and the eldest continued, dividing the group into pairs.

"Seungmin and Jeongin, you two stay here in case he comes back here while we're out. Hyunjin and Minho can go check the dance studio and the buildings surrounding that area while Jisung and I will search around this area. Channie and Changbin, you two should start at his aunt's house and go from there. Make sure your phones aren't on silent in case Felix contacts one of us or if one of us finds him."

The group hums in response and those leaving the house clambered out of their seats to get ready. While Jisung, Minho, and Hyunjin made their way into their respective rooms to change, the two eldest and Changbin were already dressed and ready to go. Since Woojin had to wait on Jisung, Chan nodded at Woojin in acknowledgment as he and Changbin headed out first. 

"Call us if you find him!" Seungmin called out after them, to which a muffled "will do" could be heard through the closed door. 


	8. I'm Sorry Lix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Implied suicide (not any of the main characters though), depression, implied/referenced self-harm, and suicidal thoughts will play a prominent part in the rest of the story.  
> Please be mindful of these topics and please do not continue reading if it will negatively impact you in any way.  
> 

When Felix had gotten the message, it was as if time had stopped. " _I'm sorry Lix_ " was all that he could see, every thought would lead back to those three words. She was gone. Before the weight of the situation could paralyze him, Felix hastily sent his aunt a text saying that he'd be hanging out with Chris tonight so that she didn't have to worry. He didn't know how long he'd be out for this time.

Felix's successive movements were carried out mechanically, almost robotic-like, as heaviness filled his chest, threatening to suffocate him. It was sheer willpower and discipline that allowed him to keep his emotions in check until he was alone and could give in to his emotions. It was years of quiet suffering, every sleepless night that he spent overthinking while someone slept soundly a mere few feet away. It was every silent cry that wracked through his body and every hidden anxiety attack that conditioned him to break down only when he was alone.

He was cold all over and tremors rippled through his body as he carried on walking around aimlessly. He had long silenced his phone and stuffed it into his coat pocket in an attempt to forget; whatever he was trying to forget about, be it the message or the reality of the situation itself, what he truly needed was to run away from everything for a little while. He just couldn't—wouldn't—believe that she was gone. His world was breaking apart at the seams and he knew he wouldn't take this loss well, no, not at all. This wasn't something that he could merely shove to the back of his mind for a few hours so that he could act normal for the sake of others. This time he couldn't even pretend to be okay; he knew he'd be spiraling out of control soon enough and he was powerless against whatever was to come. 

As much as he was emotionally numb, at some point, Felix was literally physically numb from wandering the streets for so long. Subconsciously, his feet eventually led him to the park and towards the bench that was unofficially his. Once he took a seat, Felix's throat closed up and he remained unmoving as he zoned out, lost between a state of shock and numbness before the inevitable stage of absolute, merciless grief. Several hours later when Changbin happened to stumble upon Felix's slouched, unwavering figure settled on the park bench, the younger had pretty much remained frozen in the same stoic state.

"Felix, what the hell have you been doing?" Changbin rasped as he got closer to the younger, out of breath from the frantic search. Felix didn't even flinch. 

"Lix?" he continued, eyes narrowing as the brunette's empty expression came into view. As if he hadn't heard Changbin, Felix showed no signs of acknowledgment and blankly stared ahead at the playground in front of him.

"Felix-ah," Changbin called out in a gentler tone as he reached for the younger's right arm and grabbed his hand. Changbin let out a small yelp and almost recoiled from the touch, for Felix's hand was stone-cold. _God, how long has he been sitting out here?_ Changbin wondered while reaching for his pale cheeks next, which was just as cold to the touch and devoid of any flush of color and emotion. Even his eyes were dull and lifeless. 

Changbin persistently tried to pry an explanation from Felix, but the most he'd got out of the younger was a soft squeeze of the hand and a few mindless blinks. Felix's gaze lowered to the ground and the sadness in his eyes...Changbin couldn't do anything but hold on tightly to the younger's hand. He eventually called Chan and sent out a text to the group chat to alert the others that he had found Felix. A few minutes later, Changbin saw Chan running towards them, concern evident on his face. 

"How is he?  _Lix, what's wrong? Why are you sitting here out in the cold?_ " Chan immediately asked Changbin before switching effortlessly to English to speak to Felix. 

Chan had kneeled down to get a good look at Felix's face and he currently had a loose hold on the hand that Changbin wasn't holding. The elder's hold on the younger's hand was feather light as if he was fragile and easily broken. And he was. 

" _Lix, what happened? We've been worried sick about you_." 

Felix recoiled his hands from the other's grasp, fists curled into a ball on his lap. His eyelids fluttered up and down several times before Felix shut his eyes completely as tears started to form. 'Lix' was what she had always called him. His emotions suddenly came crashing down on him like a waterfall; the boys' eyes widened in alarm as the younger's breathing suddenly became erratic, his whole body tense as his hands shook wildly from clenching his fist so hard. Felix's throat burned from the suppressed cries and Chan immediately stood up to pull the younger in his arms and Changbin's hand encased Felix's shaking one, rubbing circles on the back of his hand in hopes of getting him to loosen his grasp. 

" _Take deep breaths Lix, we've got you,_ " Chan reassured. They remained that way for a while in complete silence except for Felix's uneven breaths and Chan's occasional mutter of reassurance as Felix fought to control his tears. Soon enough, the sun approached the horizon and darkness threatened to loom over the three boys. 

" _Hyung?_ " Felix eventually whispered, voice gravelly from having not talked for so long.  

" _Let's go back to our place first and then we can talk okay? The boys are worried sick and you've been sitting out here for god knows how long already._ " 

Exhausted, Felix wordlessly nodded and Chan helped him up. Changbin could only assume that Chan hyung had convinced the younger to go back home with them. He watched Felix with a careful eye and before the trio made their way back to their shared apartment, Changbin tugged at Felix's hand to stop him from walking in order to zip up his coat. During the entirety of the walk, Felix's mind was loud and buzzing, but he received comfort in the fact that his hyung's warm hand never once left his. 


	9. Were There Signs I Ignored?

" _Chris, I just...can you just let me be for a few hours? I really need to be alone right now so can you please, please make sure everyone stays away from this room?_ "

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Sitting on Chan's bed, Felix stared intently at his iPhone contemplating. Half of him wanting to reread the content of her message while the other half fought against the urge to throw the phone against the wall. No matter what he did, nothing would change the fact that she was gone. He found himself staring at his phone again. Minutes passed. The silence in the room was deafening and Felix soon had 'One More Light' by Linkin Park blasting through the speakers of his phone in a feeble attempt to fill the silence. Whenever he felt lost, music had always guided him through whatever he was feeling, and this time it was no different.

**Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored?**

**Can I help you not to hurt anymore?**

Those two lines were enough to send chills down his spine and ignite the waterworks; tears pooled in his eyes faster than he could blink. The shock had worn off and sadness now came at him all at once like a tidal wave, daunting and unforgiving.

**We saw brilliance when the world was asleep**

**There are things that we can have but can't keep**

**If they say,**

**Who cares if one more light goes out**

**In a sky of a million stars?**

**It flickers, flickers**

**Who cares when someone's time runs out**

**If a moment is all we are?**

**We're quicker, quicker**

**Who cares if one more light goes out?**

**Well, I do**

**The reminders pull the floor from your feet**

**In the kitchen one more chair that you need, oh**

**And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair**

**Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there**

It's not fair. It wasn't fair at all. Is she really no longer in this world? She was only 18 and she had her whole life ahead of her. Felix cursed everyone and everything that made life so miserable for her and he hated himself for not checking up on her all this time, even though deep down inside he knew there was nothing that he could've done to prevent this and perhaps that was what hurt the most. They had an ocean separating them and they were merely friends, not even close friends at that, but that didn't matter for the guilt would surely haunt him for the rest of his life. All the  _should have_ 's and  _what if_ 's plagued his mind; his cries stumbled out and choked sobs escaped his throat as he struggled to take in as much air as he was letting out. It was just so fucking unfair. His thoughts were too loud and his head was pounding against his skull relentlessly, mercilessly, unyielding. A strangled growl pierced the air and it took Felix a few seconds to realize that his fist had connected with the wall in front of him. Amidst everything, he had gotten up and punched the wall with all the anger in his entire body. He cradled his now-throbbing hand but welcomed the pain nonetheless, for any distraction helped.

**If they say,**

**Who cares if one more light goes out**

**In a sky of a million stars?**

**It flickers, flickers**

**Who cares when someone's time runs out**

**If a moment is all we are?**

**We're quicker, quicker**

**Who cares if one more light goes out?**

**Well, I do**

He cared but it was too late, he was so apologetic over something he had no control over but he blamed himself nonetheless. Felix fell back onto the bed—whether it was Chris' or Changbin hyung's he didn't know nor care—facing the ceiling, hands laying on top of his watery eyes. The words struck him in multiple ways; he connected with the song both as someone who just lost a friend and as someone who similarly didn't have the will to live and everything just hurt. He thought about his own flickering light and his heart and head hurt so much that he could no longer control the loud cries that filled the room.

**Who cares if one more light goes out**

**In a sky of a million stars?**

**It flickers, flickers**

**Who cares when someone's time runs out**

**If a moment is all we are?**

**We're quicker, quicker**

**Who cares if one more light goes out?**

**Well, I do**

_Well, I do._

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The rest of the boys sat in the living room, silent and on edge since Changbin and Chan arrived with Felix in tow. Felix was like an empty shell of himself—everything about him screamed _I'm not_   _okay_ , from his slouched figure to his glassy eyes and any question that they had planned to bombard him with died in their throats. Felix retreated into Chan's and Changbin's room and all they heard was silence until a muffled, yet soft and melodic tune started playing a few minutes later. It was an English song so those who didn't speak the language glanced at Chan to gauge his reaction. Seungmin and Jisung understood enough, so they strained to listen to the words since it wasn't a song either of them recognized.

Once his ears adjusted to the muffled tune, Chan felt his stomach drop as he recalled the song. It was "One More Light" by Linkin Park. He pursed his lips once the song reached the chorus and various thoughts ran through his head. It couldn't be...not their Felix.

Everybody was suddenly on high alert when Felix's choked sobs seeped through the thin walls of the room. The cries were brief and quiet at first but then grew in volume, both in quantity and loudness, as if Felix was no longer holding them back, and it wasn't easy for any one of them to stomach the cries of their precious friend.

As the boys looked at him expectantly for an explanation, Chan didn't know where to begin. Several scenarios played in his head, none of them any better than the other. As his eyes glossed over, Chan hid his face in his hands and grit his teeth in frustration. He couldn't believe he didn't once question Felix's situation when the younger was more quiet than usual or when he just seemed to randomly disappear for a day or two and Chan couldn't help but wonder what other signs he had missed. He cared for Felix like a little brother and had vowed to look after the younger Australian because he understood his struggles as a foreigner more than anyone else, but now he couldn't help but wonder if he had failed him completely.

Although unaware of the specifics, the other boys knew whatever it was, it wasn't good news since Chan wasn't one to cry easily. Woojin dragged Chan out of his thoughts as he reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder.

"Chan, what is it?" the elder asked softly, eyes filled with silent understanding as he looked at the Australian whose eyes were red-rimmed and conflicted. Chan let out a shaky breath and tried to form an explanation; the nuance of the song could easily be lost or misunderstood in translation and the topic wasn't an easy one to approach, especially not in such a conservative society like that of Korea.

"The song...it's about suicide..." the words came out of his mouth uneasily as if it was a bitter pill that he was forced to swallow. He continued with "It can be interpreted as thinking about someone who is contemplating it or about oneself as well." 

The room fell silent once more as the other seven boys took some time to process this information.

Changbin's gaze had remained almost stubbornly stuck on his bedroom door ever since Felix entered it, but when the word 'suicide' left Chan's mouth, Changbin's neck whipped around towards the direction of the elder's voice so quickly that it was a miracle he didn't snap his neck. Changbin stared down the Australian, frozen in a mixture of shock and disbelief. Their Felix? His Jikseu? Why—how? Felix's strangled cries suddenly felt ten times louder and Changbin's heart dropped to his stomach. His heart was beating so wildly that he could hear it ringing in his ears. 

Upon hearing from Chan, Hyunjin turned around to face the wall, eyes clamped tightly shut as tears formed in his eyes. Did Felix really feel this way? How long has he been suffering behind all the smiles and loud laughter? Felix has always radiated warmth and possessed an air of innocence and Hyunjin supposed this child-like quality masked his friend's suffering all too well. It was all too ironic, really. As they say, the people with the most radiant smiles usually hide the most pain, and Hyunjin supposed that the words rung true as Felix's situation seemed to be a testament to that.

Woojin was hunched over, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together as if he was praying. His face scrunched up as many difficult emotions bombarded him all at once. There was frustration, guilt, pity, fear. Anger, however, dominated all other emotions; he was so angry at himself for not discerning Felix's struggles any sooner. The eldest truly wished that he could take all of Felix's pain regardless of how heavy the burden may be and put it on himself instead.

Minho had his arms around Jisung, the latter hiding his face in his hands as tears streamed down his face. It had taken Jisung a minute to figure out the lyrics to the song, but once it clicked, he felt his heart breaking completely for his best friend, even more so with Chan's clarification. He knew Felix was struggling, but he didn't know that it was to this extent; he didn't even know if something had happened to Felix today to lead to this. Minho wasn't one to show his emotions, but like everyone else, he was obviously worried about Felix. Whenever he made eye contact with somebody else, his facial expressions would twist into a troubled smile—he simply didn't know what to say or do in this type of situation.

Jeongin silently hoped that whatever was troubling his hyung would soon pass. The smile that he always had on for the sake of others was nowhere to be found and his expression was nothing short of intimidating as he was so lost in thought, and he just couldn't believe that his Lix hyung felt this way. 

Seungmin was completely zoned out and it seemed like he was staring down the table in front of him when in reality, he was just too busy wracking his brain for any signs that he could've missed. His best friend was always sunshine and smiles and he really needed to know what went wrong. Was it something with his family perhaps? Was there anything that he could've done? Was there anything that they had said, or rather, was there anything that they didn't say that needed to be said? Question upon question bombarded the young boy, and he wasn't sure if he had an answer to any of them. 

When it comes to feelings and mental well-being in general, was there really an all-inclusive, simple answer to any problem that may arise? Was there really a way to take someone's pain away?


	10. You Give Meaning to the Word 'Felix'

After an hour or two, Felix exhausted his tears and fell asleep on Changbin's bed with tear-stained cheeks and a broken spirit. Outside in the living room, the two eldest had managed to usher everyone besides Changbin and Jisung into their room by mentioning that Felix probably wouldn't come out until the next morning. Thus, the four of them conversed in hushed voices until 2 in the morning when they decided to call it a night; Jisung and Woojin returned to their respective rooms while Chan and Changbin stood outside their bedroom door in uncertainty. The room had been silent for quite a while now, but Chan even contemplated sleeping in the living room in order to honor his promise with Felix to steer clear of the room. Changbin thought otherwise and managed to convince Chan to check on Felix before they decided on where to sleep for the night. What he didn't say aloud, however, was that by doing so, he would get a glimpse of how the younger was doing; Changbin was by no means tired and he couldn't imagine getting any shut-eye without at least seeing Felix after what had happened hours ago.

After some contemplation, Chan decided to take the risk and took initiative in entering the room, wincing when the door creaked open since they had planned to make their way in without being seen or heard. _So much for that,_ he thought.

Upon peering over Chan's shoulder, Changbin found the younger Australian curled up in a ball on his bed, fast asleep. The two had left the door open so that they wouldn't have to turn on the light in the room; the light from the living room cast a scintillation into the room which revealed the tell-tale sign of Felix passed out in Changbin's bed. Changbin wasn't going to get any sleep tonight and it wasn't simply because Felix occupied his bed. He could easily crash in Hyunjin's bed like he's done many times before, but no, he knew tonight his mind would be occupied by a certain freckled boy who had the purest heart out of everyone he knew. After the two shared a knowing look, Chan sat on his bed and patted the space next to him, silently asking Changbin if he wanted to share the bed with him tonight. The raven-haired boy simply shook his head and headed over to his desk, holding up his lyric book as he took a seat in the chair. If he was going to pull an all-nighter he might as well be productive and work on a song. Chan didn't question his decision to do so and merely pulled the covers over himself in a bid to get his much needed shut-eye. He knew he would need some rest if he wanted to speak to Felix the next morning, especially since the conversation surely wasn't going to be an easy one.

After flicking the switch to turn on the lamp, Changbin mindlessly circled the phrase: ' **believe i** **n yourself, you can do it well** ', which he had come up with the last time he worked on the song. If the message was ' **believe in yourself, you can do it well** ', the flip side of that would be ' **I'll be by your side, if it gets hard I'll run with you, don't worry** '. As his lyrics came from his personal experiences and everyday life, he couldn't help but think of Felix; ironically, when he last brainstormed for lyrics to fit the song, Felix was sleeping on his bed that time as well.

During the still silence of the night, words and phrases flowed freely from the pen onto the textured paper of the notebook, filling pages upon pages with blue ink and things that he wished to convey to the boy that he would do anything for. There were bits and pieces of phrases and some random words here and there, all written out haphazardly onto the page. Eventually, Changbin managed to put together something that resembled a poem; that would make it fairly easy to turn them into song lyrics later on.

**You fell down for a moment, it's okay I'll help you get up, did you worry a lot?**

**We've still got lots of things ahead of us, it's all good**

 

**We'll grow through them, don't cry**

**When you fall behind, you can take a break**

 

**If it gets too hard I'll run with you**

**If it feels like you're on an endless race**

**Mentally and physically exhausted, getting caught with giving up**

**The end is up to you, where is your destination?**

 

 **You're doing your best as**   **far as I know, that's all that matters**

**When this passes and you look back on yourself, you can say this to yourself:**

**You're doing well**

After he was satisfied with the things he had written down, Changbin swirled around in his chair to peer over at the sleeping boy. The song was nowhere near complete but he wondered when and how he would ever convey all these things to Felix. The latter hasn't been in his life for long, but that didn't matter; before, the name 'Felix' meant nothing more to him than five letters strung together, but Felix gave meaning to the word and now he couldn't imagine a world without him in it. It was in his soft smiles, his passion for dance and his warm heart. It was every freckle that adorned his face much like how the stars decorated the sky, every infectious laugh, and every hug. Honestly, it was every small thing about the Australian boy that made him so endearing and precious to him. There was no doubt in Changbin's mind that Felix's presence in his life was an indispensable one.

Judging by his behavior, whatever was troubling the younger had to be significant, but no matter what happens, life gets better. Sure, life could be shitty, but that's just how it was; life has its ups and downs and all you can do is embrace the things and people that make you happy, especially those who genuinely wish the best for you because when you hit your lowest point, it will be those people who will help you up and remind you that life is worth living. If Felix would just understand that, Changbin knew that he would be willing to spend as many hours listening and speaking to the younger to get that message across.

The next time Changbin glanced at his phone, the time read 4:24 AM and it was then that he decided to get some rest. A few hours of shut-eye was better than none, so with one last glance at his two friends, Changbin exited the room and managed to turn off the lights before collapsing onto the couch in the living room. His eyelids had been heavy for a while now and he was physically and mentally exhausted, worn out from last night's events and all the thinking he was doing. Changbin let his eyelids droop and the moment his head hit the pillow, Changbin's body relaxed and darkness almost immediately fell upon him, snores soon replacing all of his worries.


	11. Crazy Kids These Days

When Minho tiptoed into Chan and Changbin's bedroom to check on Felix the next day, he was surprised to see Chan still in bed, sleeping. It was nine in the morning and Chan should've left ten minutes prior to get to work. Upon this realization, Minho quickly barged into the room and persistently shook the sleeping boy awake.

"Chan hyung, it's 9:05, you should've left for work already!" Minho spoke frantically. 

Although he was initially disgruntled and tried to swat Minho's hand away, a string of curse words soon escaped his mouth as Chan came to comprehend the situation. He struggled to open his eyes and scrambled out of bed and flew out of the room within seconds. Minho then remembered the reason he was here in the first place and directed his attention towards Felix, who was now sitting up in Changbin's bed, awakened by the all the door slamming and the constant pitter-patter of Chan's feet against the wooden floor. 

"Felix, do you want some breakfast? I made some eggs if you want any," the elder spoke softly.

"That's okay hyung, I'm actually going to head home because I have classes later on."

"Oh, okay," Minho responded, standing there dumbly as he didn't know what else to say. 

Felix simply rubbed his eyes before getting up and heading towards the bathroom. There was already a spare toothbrush for him since he stayed over so frequently and once he brushed his teeth and washed his face, Felix made his way into the living room to find Changbin fast asleep on the couch. He figured he must've taken the elder's bed and felt terrible about it; he would have to apologize to him later because right now he needed to get out of the house and figure things out. If he stayed he would feel obligated to talk about the previous night and he wasn't sure if he was quite ready to tell his friends about everything just yet. 

Felix managed to slip out of the house unnoticed—although, the fact that most of his friends already left for classes or work made it that much easier—and he thought about what to do as he strolled through the bustling streets. He eventually decided to attend his morning lecture and probably call home after class; he had to maintain some semblance of normality even though the last thing that he cared about was school. That was just how it was.  

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True to his words, Felix called home after class and his mom picked up after the fourth ring. 

" _Mom, hey,_ " Felix greeted into the phone.

" _Felix honey, for what do I owe this pleasure to? How are you doing my boy?_ "

" _I'm doing okay._ "

" _Just okay? Is there something wrong? You rarely ever call me during the middle of the day like this._ "

" _Actually, yeah. I wanted to call you to see if I could come back home—my friend from high school..._ " Felix let out a quick sigh, " _she passed away. I want to attend her funeral._ "

" _Oh honey, that's terrible. What happened?_ "

" _She committed suicide..._ " Felix trailed off, not knowing what else to say on that matter. It was already hard enough knowing it but saying those words aloud felt like a slap across his face. 

" _Really?_ " 

After a beat of silence, his mom muttered something under her breath. He barely caught it but she said it just loud enough for him to hear; Felix's blood ran cold as soon as the words hit his ears. 

" _Wow, crazy kids these days,_ " she had muttered.

" _Actually hon, I've gotta go now_ " she abruptly said amidst the silence on the other end. 

" _Cheryl—my co-worker—is waiting on me 'cuz we're going out for lunch. About your friend, it wouldn't be worth flying out just for the funeral so just focus on school and I'll talk to you another day, 'kay? Love you, honey!_ "

With that, the line disconnected and Felix slowly lowered his phone and stared at it in disbelief. What did she just say? Crazy kids these days?  _Crazy kids these days?_  A parent lost their child and your own son lost a friend and that's what was going through her mind? Usually, when he was upset tears would prick his eyes, but this time that wasn't the case; he couldn't feel anything except for his heart turning to steel. This was...he didn't have the words for it, but he knew he had to talk to Jisung and get it all out before he combusts. Felix was used to bottling up all of his emotions and before he made a point to speak to Jisung whenever he had a problem, after a while, all the negativity and repressed emotions would drive him to the brink of insanity. It was an endless cycle of feeling numb towards everything and then feeling too much all at once when all of his emotions came crashing into him like the waves that would come rushing through a ruptured dam. It was never easy to recover from one of those and if anything, with every mental breakdown, it just gets harder and harder to recover from the previous one.  

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Changbin was reaching into the wooden cabinet to grab a bowl for his cereal when Jisung's phone rang. As he set the empty bowl on the table across from where Jisung was sitting, Jisung accepted the call, answering with a quick 'Hello?'.

"Sungie, are you free right now? I need to talk to you about something" Felix said monotonously.

"I actually have a class in twenty minutes but...you know what, don't worry about it, I can just skip for today. Where do you want to meet up?" 

There was a pause on the other line. Meanwhile, Changbin had taken out the milk from the fridge and set it on the table and once he took a seat, Changbin silently inquired about the person on the line. Jisung replied, mouthing the word  _Felix_  before redirecting his attention to the phone as Felix started to speak.

"Nevermind, I don't want you to skip class just because of me. I'll talk to you later I guess." 

"No, seriously Lix. You're more important to me than a stupid class."

"I'll talk to you later Sungie, bye" Felix replied curtly and hung up before his best friend could say anything else. Jisung set his phone on the table and rubbed his temples as he tried to figure out what the best course of action was. He knew there was something wrong and he needed to talk it out with Felix, especially after what happened yesterday, but at the same time Felix's stubbornness was a force to be reckoned with. There was no way he would agree to meet up now that he was aware that he had classes this afternoon. 

"What happened?" Changbin asked, pulling Jisung out of his thoughts. 

"God, he's just so damn stubborn. He called because he needed to talk, but once I stupidly told him about the classes that I have today he just said 'nevermind' and hung up on me."

"What if I asked him to meet up with me instead since I don't have any classes for the day?" Changbin proposed while seriously considering calling Felix at that very second. He was met with disappointment when he woke up earlier that day to find his bed empty and devoid of Felix and he knew that he would continue to feel restless until he could properly speak to him. It was driving him insane not knowing what went through the younger's mind and if Chan assumption was correct... 

"That's actually not a bad idea but I'm not sure if..."

'If Felix would say what was on his mind' was what Jisung meant to say. It had taken Felix so long to open up to him and he wasn't sure if Felix completely trusted him with his worries even now. Would he even offer one-tenth of what he was truly thinking to Changbin hyung?

"Not sure if what?"

"Nevermind. Yeah, just try to call him."

Changbin fished his phone out of his pocket and called ' _Jikseu_ ' but after a few moments, he was sent straight to voicemail. Felix had figured Jisung would call back to try and convince him so he just shut off his phone to completely deter him. Jisung refrained from saying "See, I told you so" and opted to remain quiet instead. After a few minutes, Jisung left for school and Changbin was left alone at the table with his now-soggy cereal. Since he couldn't reach Felix by calling him, he decided to send him a text message and quickly resolved to go look for the younger if he didn't respond to his message within the next few hours. 

 

 


	12. Journal Entries and Revelations

**Today Professor Will said something that had me thinking: "When I was a teenager I was always complaining, complaining when I had no right to be. I had a roof over my head, food on the table and a bed to sleep on. So many people don't even have that," and I completely agree. I hate to complain because I'm already so fortunate because so many people don't have anything, having to run for their lives, to beg for food, to know that they may not see the next day, but not giving up nonetheless. Does that make me weak? Am I weak for wanting to give up on life just because of family problems? "Every family is dysfunctional," he said, "each one is just dysfunctional in a different way," and I don't _not_  agree with that. Some families have it worse than others but every family is indeed dysfunctional because no person is perfect, and a family is just a group of imperfect people so it's only inevitable. **

**What mom said was ridiculously out of line and I know I have a right to be pissed, but does my anger serve any purpose? Am I always uselessly complaining over trivial things? Does that make me one of those ignorant, fortunate kids who take all they have in life for granted? Do I even have the right to feel victimized, to feel despair and woe because of the circumstances of my life? These thoughts swirled through my mind like a hurricane, raining on my mood, forcefully knocking the wind out of my lungs, leaving me dazed, confused, angry. Angry for being so ungrateful, angry for all the times I complained, angry for not believing that I have no right to feel this way because part of me still believes that I'm entitled to feel like this, and that's what I'm most frustrated about. I'm frustrated because I'm feeling this frustration, frustrated because I wonder if being human is enough despite our circumstances. Some are rich, some are poor, some have too much, some have next to nothing, but aren't we all, regardless of all of these classifications, human? Why can't I feel a certain way about my life when it is all that I know, all that I am? And yet, part of me wonders if I'm being ungrateful and with this, we're back to square one.**

**—Felix**

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The room was silent as Changbin sat next to Felix on the carpeted floor at the foot of Felix's bed. 

Changbin's message had illuminated Felix's lock screen hours ago, but since the Australian stubbornly refused to check his phone, Changbin appeared at his doorstep, smiling as he invited himself in. A very confused Felix asked him why he was here, to which Changbin replied by telling him to check his phone. Felix didn't know what to make of the elder's message but he couldn't exactly tell him to leave, so he simply led the elder to his room. 

"So..." Changbin started off, clearing his throat, "what happened yesterday?"

"Um..."

"You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable," Changbin quickly added, "I just wanted you to know that I'm willing to listen if you need to get anything off your chest." 

Silence. 

It was awkward at best and Changbin continued to talk when Felix showed no sign of wanting to do so. 

"It's okay if you're not ready. I know I'm not Jisung but I just wanted you to know that I care about you too, you know?"

Felix wore a tiny smile on his face, but that smile was soon replaced by a small sigh as his resolve broke and he started talking about the thing that bothered him most. 

"Hyung, she...' _crazy kids these days_ ' she said. 'Crazy kids these days'," Felix said while scoffing and making these exaggerated hand gestures. As if it would clear up all his confusion, Felix kept blinking and moving his hands in circles as if it would help him get the words out more easily. His worries simply weren't tangible and that just made it harder for him to explain everything. 

"Lix, you'll have to start at the beginning for me to understand what you're saying" Changbin muttered softly amidst the younger's perplexing ramble in a bid to understand his words.

"I-I don't know where to start" Felix stuttered, voice shaking at the thought of saying certain things out loud. 

"You can always start at the beginning,” the elder reiterated.

"I would have to go so far back, I don't know if it'll be worth your time honestly" Felix mumbled as he refused to meet Changbin's eyes. 

"Hey, you'll always be worth my time, Lix. Whatever's bothering you bothers me as well—and it doesn't matter how long it takes, I'll always be willing to listen if you ever need to rant about something. Even if I'm busy, I'll always find a way to make time for you. You know this already."

Even without meeting his eyes, Felix felt like Changbin was staring straight into his soul and his chest tightened as the words seemed to pierce right through him. He supposed the words should've comforted him, but he felt anything but comforted; he suddenly felt more vulnerable than ever and conflicting emotions were lodged in his throat. 'I  _don't_  know that' he thought, why would someone like Changbin hyung waste his precious time on someone like himself? His jaw trembled slightly as he attempted to form a coherent thought, gaze flitting around the room to look at everything but the boy who maneuvered himself to sit in front of him. As if sensing his discomfort, Changbin lightly grasped his hands, thumbs running over his fingers in silent reassurance as if telling him to take his time. The feather-like touch was all it took for Felix to open up to the boy in front of him. 

"The reason why I disappeared yesterday was because of my friend from Australia. She's passed away..." Felix paused for a second, gaze never leaving the blue carpet between them, "took her own life."

Once he got started, words seemed to flow out of him endlessly. 

"That's why I was so upset last night—what's even worse was my mom's words when I spoke to her earlier today. I told her about the situation because I wanted to fly back to attend the funeral, but then she muttered 'crazy kids these days' under her breath when I told her about the fact that she committed suicide, can you believe that?" 

Changbin could feel his blood boiling at those words. He couldn't imagine how Felix would feel about his own mom saying that to him.  

"My friend, she was so...kindhearted," Felix had to clear his throat as various emotions bombarded him at the reminder of his precious friend. 

"She deserved so much better than the cards that life dealt her with and I hate myself for not checking up on her after I left Australia. It's just so fucking unfair and of all the things that I was expecting to hear from my mom about the situation, it certainly wasn't the words that she had uttered. I couldn't believe the bullshit that I was hearing from my own mother. When I came to understand what she was saying I wanted to laugh—I couldn't believe it at first, but it was all too ironic, really. In my head, I responded with 'If she's crazy then your own son is one of those crazy people too'."

Changbin watched Felix's face contort into a twisted smile, a smile that was forlorn and didn't reach his eyes. He openly gawked at Felix, shocked by how the younger spoke about the matter in such an offhanded way as if he saw no problem with anything he had just uttered. Felix, however, didn't seem to notice his hyung’s dilemma and simply continued on with his rambling. 

"I wondered then, what would she think if she was standing in front of my cold, lifeless body knowing that I took my own life? Would I be another crazy person to her then?" Felix mused, face stoic as he felt emotionally detached from the situation. It was as if he was looking into his life through the eyes of another. 

Even though he wanted to say something to make Felix feel better in some way, Changbin couldn't find the words. After what Chan said, he had anticipated Felix's anger and frustration and even his sadness, but he never expected  _this_. This was beyond what he had imagined and he felt like a fish out of water; everything the other was saying was flying over his head and he couldn't manage to get a word out. Fortunately for him, Felix wasn't expecting him to talk anyway—he wasn't really thinking about how the other might be feeling because he was too immersed in his own problems to think about anything else.

"What's even harder to wrap my head around is the fact that she can say this kind of thing when she had no problem empathizing with my dad when he was feeling suicidal himself. My parents own a company and there was a period of time when business wasn't going well—I was in ninth grade then—and all the pressure became too much for him I guess. He came home one day and went directly into his room, next thing I know my aunts come over and they're in tears as they barge into his room. Apparently, my dad had called them asking them to look after my sisters and I..." Felix trailed off, voice gruff as tears welled up in his eyes. 

"He wanted to die and while my sisters went into his room to convince him to stay, I couldn't even go anywhere near him nor his room for that matter. I was in tears and all I could think about was that we weren't enough. I wasn't enough for him to stay and after everything was resolved, I continued to avoid my dad for months after that. After my dad calmed down, my mom had a talk with my sisters and I and she told us to not do anything that would upset my dad. She was so supportive of him and even took over as CEO and yet she had the audacity to call my friend crazy when she went through the exact same thing? What a hypocrite."

At this point, tears were streaming down his face as Felix shook with anger. He aggressively wiped away his tears with his hand and his throat burned. What Felix said next had Changbin's heart breaking for the younger. 

"Hyung," Felix said, voice cracking as he looked at the other for the first time, "I don't know what to do. She won't let me attend her funeral— _fuck, I can't stand this anymore, I hate this so fucking much._ " 

As Felix could no longer control his anger, he reverted to his native tongue. After his outburst, Felix hid his face in his hands, head hanging low as everything became too much for him to bear. Changbin pulled the younger flush against him as he wrapped an arm protectively around his shoulder. The tears and silence persisted, but Changbin remained unmoving, a warm reassuring presence that Felix was thankful for despite how shitty he felt. When his tears were reduced to mere sniffles, Changbin spoke for the first time since Felix's confession. 

"Lix, I can't pretend to understand what you're going through because I don't, but all I can say is that no matter what happens, I'll be right next to you and we can face it together. You're not alone, Jikseu. I'm not going to weigh in on the situation with your mom because I don't believe that it's right to judge others when you don't know both sides of the story, but I do hate that her words hurt you the way it did and I'm so sorry about your friend. Just because you don't attend her funeral though doesn't mean that you care any less, you know? Just know that regardless of what happens, it'll be okay. You have me and the rest of the boys if you ever need anything."

"Thanks, hyung" Felix whispered, head resting on the elder's shoulder as his racing mind calmed slightly with his hyung's words. The two spoke in hushed voices for the rest of the night as they spoke about anything and everything, topics ranging from grim and solemn to purely lighthearted. Although Felix remained clueless on what to do about the whole situation, his heart was significantly lighter and mind slightly less complicated when he fell asleep in the arms of his Binnie hyung, whose arms were wrapped securely around the younger as if he was shielding him from the world, which, one would suppose, didn't stray too far from the truth. 


	13. I'm Sorry

In the end, Felix never got to fly back to Australia to say his final goodbyes. They didn't let him. Instead of boarding a plane, he was in school; it was an endless cycle of waking up, going to class, studying, dancing on some days, eating, sleeping, and starting all over again. He did everything mindlessly until everything suddenly became not so easy anymore. It became hard to fall asleep, dancing became exhausting instead of fun, and even his favorite activity of all time—eating—became a chore. He studied whenever he had time to spare and at one point he actually burst out crying out of nowhere while he was studying in the library. Meeting up with the boys became a rare occasion and the boys' apartment had eight frequent occupants instead of the usual nine. The boys didn't want to pressure Felix into anything and although they were worried, all they could do was continue to ask Felix to hang out with them once in a while. While the others were more hesitant, Changbin and Jisung were the only two who made a point to message or call Felix on a daily basis.

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_4:23 PM_

**Felix:** hyung, I'm so sorry to bother you but I really need to talk to you right now

 **Changbin:** what is it?

what's wrong?

 **Felix:** I used to hurt myself, I guess? Usually, I talk to Sungie about this but he has his test tomorrow. The nagging feeling's back. I don't know. 

 **Changbin:** Felix, don't. You know it'll hurt afterward, it won't make you feel any better. 

 **Felix:** But that's the thing...I  _will_  feel better afterward. The pain helps ground me. 

 **Changbin:** Methods of instant gratification aren't what you should resort to, Lix. This solution is only short-term and won't help you in any other way. 

 **Felix:** I know hyung, I know, but there's this insistent pounding in my head. Won't go away no matter what I do, at least not until I give in to it. 

 **Changbin:** Don't do it. Do you want me to come over?

 **Felix:** No. Please don't. 

 **Changbin:** Okay, but promise me you won't do it? Please?

 **Felix:** I can't promise you that, hyung. 

 **Changbin:** Please? For me?

 **Felix:** I'll try, that's all I can promise you. 

 **Changbin:** Thank you. All I can ask from you is to try, especially for yourself. 

 **Felix:** Can't do that quite yet, I can only promise to try for your sake for now. 

 **Changbin:** Alright, are you feeling any better?

 **Felix:** Kind of, I guess? It doesn't feel like my skull is going to combust anymore and the pounding lessened.

 **Changbin:** That's good. 

 **Felix:** Yeah. I actually think I'm feeling a little better now, thanks for talking to me. 

 **Changbin:** Of course, Lix. 

 **Felix:** I'm going to go take a nap now. Thanks again Binnie hyung, talk to you later. 

 **Changbin:** Have a good rest, Felix. I'm always here if you need me.

The nagging feeling was still there, but Felix wasn't lying when he said he felt better. The pounding in his head was less insistent and just the fact that he couldn't find the razor anywhere helped him further resist the temptation. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, he hid it well from himself; he had previously made it a point to keep it in a different place in case the urge to abuse it returned. He still wasn't too sure if he was glad about it, but he was slightly proud that he managed to not disappoint anybody at least for today.  

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**I can’t not relive yesterday. It really came out of nowhere, a normal Saturday afternoon was suddenly interrupted and hijacked when my hand wrapped around a charcoal pencil and began to scribble. The pure blackness of the charcoal, the darkness that ensued when I applied pressure onto the paper, circles and ribbons and swirly lines, until I started slashing my drawing with repeated choppy lines, lines that I wanted to mark my skin with, and I saw red in the blackness of the pencil. My hands started to itch, just slashing the page was no longer sufficient, and I imagined the beautiful lines that would tattoo my skin, but Changbin hyung's face appeared in my mind and I grabbed onto my phone like it was my lifeline. He reasoned with me but my heart was pounding in my ribcage with anticipation, with need, my head pounding against my skull, the pressure almost unbearable, screaming, telling me to do it. I was shaking and I am still shaking because I can’t believe any of these thoughts existed inside of me.**

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_6:19 PM_

**Felix:** Sungie,I messed up. Changbin hyung was just trying to help but he was just being too goddamn nice and I told him that I needed a few days to myself. 

 **Jisung:** It's okay take some time for yourself if you need it. There's nothing wrong with that, Lix.  

 **Felix:** I know, but I was such an asshole about it. He was just being his kind and wonderful self and even took time out of his day to check up on me but what did I do? I basically just told him to fuck off. 

 **Jisung:** I'm sure he didn't see it that way. He respects your privacy, you know he won't be mad at you for something like that. 

 **Felix:** I know he won't be mad because he's Changbin hyung, but that doesn't make me any less of an asshole. 

 **Jisung:** You weren't an asshole about it. It's not a crime to want some time to yourself. 

_3:59 AM_

**Felix:** I'd feel guilty if I didn't tell you so I am. I'll probably, no, definitely regret this tomorrow but I know this is the right thing to do. At least it'll guilt me into reconsidering next time I feel the urge to do it again.

Right after I stopped talking to Changbin hyung, my eyes zeroed in on something on my desk and I just felt such a big sense of self-loathing that I made my way upstairs with that object in my hand—but it's not what you think. I barely broke the surface of the skin, I just drew a lot of flowers, the scars are barely there. I knew I’d never hear the end of it if I went through with it, I just needed a little bit of pain to ground me. I know it still sounds bad, I know I shouldn’t have grabbed the razor at all, but it honest to God helped me clear my mind, if anything my nails leave deeper scars...if I’m going to be patronized I might as well tell the whole truth. After the first time, I've never really cut through my skin enough to draw a lot of blood with a razor because it’s just too much work to try to hide it, but I have a habit of dragging my nail along my skin because it runs quite deep and can definitely leave a scar, but the nail isn’t blunt enough to draw blood. And the pain is definitely there. I honestly don’t see that much harm in that, how could a few scars on my skin hurt anybody? It doesn’t. So that should be okay, right?

I hope. 

_7:39 AM_

**Jisung:** Lix, do you honestly think that would make me feel any better?  _I_ care and it hurts  _me_  to see the scars on your skin. It's already hurting me now just knowing about it and you know I hate it when you speak like that—it matters to me and to the rest of us. The boys aren't telling you this only because they don't want to put any pressure on you, but seriously, we care about you like crazy. Why can't you see that?

_10:51 AM_

**Felix:** I know, I'm sorry. I'm such a fuck up. 

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**

**I’m tired. Tired physically and mentally and it’s this tiredness that scares me the most. I’m so tired I don’t feel like I even have any energy to study, to talk to people, to make myself care. I’ve been managing it well enough these few days albeit yesterday when it just came out of nowhere and scared the heck out of me, but my will is slowly but surely slipping away. I already knew what it felt like, but it scares me more now because I don’t want to feel this way, because I do have reasons to live for, because I’ve been on a high for so long that I know it may be inevitable that I’ll crash headfirst to the ground, sink to the lowest point and have to start all over from nothing but helplessness.**

Felix resigned to the voices inside his head and gave up on trying to do homework. He was tired—he's always tired these days—and he clambered over to his bed, welcoming sleep once more. If only he could close his eyes and never open them again, and he supposed that one day he'd see it through. For now, however, he supposed closing his eyes for a few hours would have to do. 


	14. I Should Hate You But I Don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there~  
> It's been a while, I've been too busy fangirling over the most recent comeback honestly, haha. I adore every song on the album because they each have their own charms, but I fell in love with Voices and Mixtape #2 almost instantaneously. When I heard the teasers I knew those two would be my favorites and I wasn't wrong! Mixtape #2 though...the melody, the lyrics and the fact that each member wrote their own part...it's my favorite SKZ song by far. God, that song is a masterpiece.  
> Anyways, thank you for the kudos and all the supportive comments (I really appreciate them!), I hope you enjoy this chapter and #HappyChangbinDay <3  
> -AstralLix

That night, the boys were gathered in the living room on the couch for one of their usual movie nights. Woojin had invited Felix through text, but since his text remained unanswered, he figured the young Aussie wouldn't be showing up tonight either. Although disappointed, the boys weren't surprised. It had been quite a while since Felix hung out with any of them. 

_Knock, knock._

"That's probably the delivery man," Jisung muttered before getting up to open the door. When he swung open the door, however, he came face-to-face with a very familiar freckled boy; instead of the delivery man, it was Felix who stood in front of him. Felix wore a timid smile on his face and was about to speak when Jisung interrupted him in a bout of excitement. 

"FELIX!" Jisung screamed, arms automatically flying up to pull his best friend into a bone-crushing hug. 

"Felix? Felix is here?!" the rest of the boys chorused, surprised that their friend had shown up, but delighted nonetheless. Felix made his way into the living room with Jisung clinging onto him and was almost immediately surrounded by seven other boys. 

"Felix hyung, you came!" Jeongin said excitedly while clutching his left arm.   

Chan ruffled his head and Woojin hugged him from behind, arms wrapping around his shoulders. 

" _It's been a while Lix_ ,  _we missed you_ ," Chan said earnestly.

" _I know. I missed you guys too_."

The two Aussies exchanged small smiles before Seungmin pulled Felix into a brief hug. 

" _Welcome back, Felix,_ " Seungmin whispered into his ear. Felix hummed in response as emotions welled up in his throat. He didn't realize how much he had missed his friends until just now. After a few more words were exchanged, everyone made their way back into the living room and got themselves situated on the couch (or floor) in front of the TV. Movie night could finally begin and with Felix here, the group was finally complete.  

"I'm so glad you're here, Jikseu. I missed you," Changbin said softly once he took a seat next to Felix. The look of fondness and pure adoration that Changbin had in his eyes while speaking to the freckled brunette was hard to miss, and Felix felt his cheeks heat up as Changbin's unwavering gaze proved to be too much for his weak heart. He had expected Changbin to be standoff-ish or maybe even cold towards him, but of course, his hyung had subverted his expectations and treated him with so much undeserved kindness.

"I figured that if I'm going to feel like shit anyway, I might as well do myself a favor and spend some time with you guys" Felix confessed, one hand reaching up to scratch his neck in embarrassment. 

"Well, I'm happy you did," Changbin replied. 

"Changbin hyung, stop hogging Felix!" Jisung whined from Felix's left. 

"I'll hog my best friend all I want!" Changbin replied, one arm slung around Felix's shoulder and pulling him closer to him. 

"He's my best friend too!" Jisung declared, pulling Felix towards him with a tug on his arm.

"Alright, alright, keep it down you two," Woojin remarked. 

"Joke's on you, losers. Felix is mine," Minho declared as he swatted Jisung's hand away. He then sat on Felix's lap and gathered the younger's arms to circle them around his waist. 

Instead of being overwhelmed by his suddenly needy friends, Felix found himself feeling all warm and fuzzy inside as a smile crept onto his face. He had been feeling so alone, but with his eight friends by his side, he felt content for the first time in a long time. Their warmth and reassuring presence seemed to slip through the cracks and illuminate the darkness within him. With his arms around Minho, both sides flanked by Changbin and Jisung and Woojin on the couch behind him, Felix felt his worries dissipate and found himself completely immersed in the movie once it began.

Changbin, however, was watching someone instead of something; his heart leaped every time Felix laughed as if he had no other care in the world. Seeing Felix enjoy the movie and laugh so freely made him ridiculously happy for some seemingly inexplicable reason. 

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When the boys finished their movie marathon it was already 1 AM. Felix was about to walk home when Changbin stopped him and insisted on coming along, so Felix waited for his hyung to grab his coat before the two of them wandered into the cold night. There was a comfortable silence between them until Changbin asked Felix the question that had been weighing on his mind all day. 

"So, how have you been, Lix? Have you been taking care of yourself?"

"...Yeah," Felix replied. The answer was just a beat late.

"I mean, I've been doing okay."

"Really?" Changbin inquired. Felix was a terrible liar and he knew that even if the answer would hurt him, he would much rather know the truth than be fed a lie. If Felix came to hate him because of his insistence, then so be it, because he sure as hell wasn't going to sit back and watch Felix disappear before his eyes. 

"Felix, you didn't do anything stupid did you?" Changbin insisted with an edge to his voice as fear traveled up his spine. 

"Not really..."

Changbin tugged on the younger's sleeve and the two came to an abrupt halt. He reached for Felix's hands and held onto them tightly as if it would help him see reason, his eyes fiercely gazing into Felix's timid ones until Felix averted his eyes, hoping to hide the truth from him...but to no avail. 

"I'm sorry," Felix breathed out, "I kind of messed up once," he then admitted. 

Changbin felt his blood run cold and let out a shaky breath at Felix's confession. His worst fear came true. When Felix told him that he self-harmed, Changbin could've sworn he heard his own heart shatter and his breath cease completely. He just couldn't come to terms with it; not then, not now, not _ever_. He would never want to come to terms with the fact that Felix was  _hurting himself_. Changbin would knock out anyone who was hurting Felix without a second thought, but if that person was Felix himself, what could he do about it? 

"Don't yell at me please, Binnie hyung, I already got so much hell for it from Sungie. I promise it's not what you think...I-I can't explain everything now, but I promise that by tomorrow morning you'll understand everything."

"Okay." Changbin's voice was strangely calm. 

The rest of the walk was silent, and when the two arrived at Felix's house, Changbin bid a quiet "goodnight" to the younger and left without another word. On the way home, he texted Jisung. 

 **Changbin:** Tell me what happened with Felix, I know about what he...does to himself?

How bad was it this time? 

 **Jisung:**  He told you?

 **Changbin:** Not in detail. Just that he messed up once recently 

 **Jisung:** Alright, this is what he said. Don't tell him I told you 

 **Changbin:** I won't

 **Jisung:** [Screenshot]

* * *

  _3:59 AM_

 **Felix:** I'd feel guilty if I didn't tell you so I am. I'll probably, no, definitely regret this tomorrow but I know this is the right thing to do. At least it'll guilt me into reconsidering next time I feel the urge to do it again.

Right after I stopped talking to Changbin hyung, my eyes zeroed in on something on my desk and I just felt such a big sense of self-loathing that I made my way upstairs with that object in my hand—but it's not what you think. I barely broke the surface of the skin, I just drew a lot of flowers, the scars are barely there. I knew I'd never hear the end of it if I went through with it, I just needed a little bit of pain to ground me. I know it still sounds bad, I know I shouldn't have grabbed the razor at all, but it honest to God helped me clear my mind, if anything my nails leave deeper scars...if I'm going to be patronized I might as well tell the whole truth. After the first time, I've never really cut through my skin enough to draw a lot of blood with a razor because it's just too much work to try to hide it, but I have a habit of dragging my nail along my skin because it runs quite deep and can definitely leave a scar, but the nail isn't blunt enough to draw blood. And the pain is definitely there. I honestly don't see that much harm in that, how could a few scars on my skin hurt anybody? It doesn't. So that should be okay, right?

I hope.

* * *

 **Changbin:** I was the reason he did that to himself?

 **Jisung:** Don't misunderstand hyung, he just felt bad for telling you he needed some time to himself

[Screenshot from the previous conversation between Jisung and Felix]

 **Changbin:** Oh, it was that day? Wait, but I wasn't even mad? He—what?

 **Jisung:**  That's what I told him, but he just won't listen and he's even more stubborn when he gets like that. He beats himself up over things that he shouldn't be worrying about, that's how it's always been

 **Changbin:** Oh. 

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When Changbin woke up the next day he found a letter sitting on his desk. He tore open the envelope without a second thought—he recognized Felix's handwriting—and started reading. By the end of the letter, Changbin was an inconsolable, sobbing mess.

**Dear Changbin hyung,**

**Felix here. I know you weren't happy earlier and I'm sorry that I'm the one who made you upset. I'm going to try and explain everything in this letter even though I doubt any of this will make any sense.**   **Here goes.**

**When you said that you'd always be there for me when I needed you, I couldn't help but cry, and now that I'm letting myself cry, I'll cry for the things that I've lost and for all the things that I can't control. I'm crying for all the things that feel wrong to me even though others don't understand, for the people in my life that don't have a single fucking clue as to what's going on this messed up mind of mine. I'm crying, I'm shaking, I'm fed up, tired, the walking dead. I can't wrap my head around how grateful I am that you're in my life and I know I don't deserve you, nor any of the boys for that matter. I want to tell you everything but it's so hard because it puts me in such a vulnerable state—we both know you're not that type of person, but bearing your soul to another person is never easy regardless of how much time it's been and who it is. For what it's worth, I'm going to try.**

**You won't like hearing this, but I've reached that point. I really am tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want this life. And yet, I can't let go, because your face appears in my mind whenever I falter and it kills me. It kills me because I'm dragging you into my problem and it kills me because I can't just turn my back on you and fucking give up. It's like I can just come so close to death and then there's the image of you in the way. You're the barrier between life and death and I should hate you for that but I don't; I hate myself for even putting you in that position in the first place, but I can't fucking do anything about it.** **Why is it that even when I can't bring myself to care about life, I somehow just innately care about everything about you? Do you know what it feels like knowing that I've involved you in this way?**

 **How easy it would be for you to not care and for me to not care, but I fucking care and it's driving me insane. You're talking to a Felix that's losing his mind, hyung, and I wish so fucking much that I could've just met you earlier so that you could see a less messed up me, or that I'd never met you at all. I'm going crazy, Changbin hyung, and it's fucking scaring me. I'm tripping and falling as I've never done before, and I want to just let go, to close my eyes and fall headfirst into oblivion. The worst part is the fact that no one sees me struggling—you and the others see it because I show you, but the people around me? Not a fucking clue. I'm tired of having to smack my face and look into the mirror and smile the smile I've perfected over the years. Tired of rolling my shoulders back so that my body doesn't just sag like it wants to because my body has given up just as much as my mind has. Tired of injecting the fake liveliness into my voice because my voice is now as dead as I feel. Tired of telling you these things because that doesn't do either of us any good but I'm admitting it. My mind is fried, my body is in constant pain, I want to feel pain, I want to throw myself against things, I want to—I don't really fucking know what I want, but it's killing me to see that happy face of yours contort into painful expressions because of me. I hate myself so much.** **I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm such a fucking mess.**

**You, however, Binnie hyung, you're just amazing. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being in my life despite all that I've said and all that I am.**

— **Felix**


	15. Stay With Me

After sneaking out of the house at the crack of dawn to deliver his letter to Changbin, Felix decided to wander around for a bit before heading home. The chilly air nipped at the tip of his ears and he regretted not putting on a beanie. Despite the cold, Felix was glad that he'd decided to take a walk. The streets were devoid of people and there was a certain stillness in the air that cleared his mind and reminded him that he was still here in the physical world, that he was still breathing, existing and very much alive. By the time he returned home, the sun had just breached the horizon and after sparing another glance the empty streets, Felix reluctantly retreated into his home. His aunt would wake up any minute now and the last thing he needed was an interrogation and a scolding for leaving the house so early in the morning.

_8:29 AM_

**Changbin:** Lix can I come over?

Without waiting for a reply, Changbin headed over to Felix's house. Upon arrival, Changbin fetched the spare key from the hidden flap under the Lee's mailbox and let himself in, knowing Felix's aunt wouldn't be home at this time of day because of work. As he had figured, Changbin was greeted by an empty house and the first thing he noticed was Felix's sneakers strewn across the floor. One pair was on the carpet and the other shoe was knocked over about a foot away from the other. Upon this confirmation that Felix was indeed home, Changbin made his way up the stairs and towards Felix's room which was at the end of the corridor, directly opposite of his aunt's bedroom at the foot of the stairs. He lightly knocked on the door and tried again when he was met with silence. After a minute or so, Changbin wondered if the door was locked or not. When he twisted the doorknob, the door swung open and he took in the scene before him. The bed was empty—wait a second. The bed was empty? Confusion settled into his features until he spotted a body on the floor. Felix's unmoving body to be exact.

Changbin stood at the doorway, too shocked to even move as his brain took a few seconds to process what was happening. Fear kicked in and adrenaline rushed through his veins.

"Felix!" Changbin exclaimed. His heart was beating so loudly that he felt lightheaded as his heartbeat thundered on.

Changbin rushed to the younger's side and amidst the surrealness of the situation he froze every couple of seconds, unsure of what to do next. Should he test for a pulse? Call 119? His eyes flitted around the floor around him and a million thoughts ran through his head, but the fear of losing the boy in front of him dominated every other thought that was running through his mind. With shaking hands he touched Felix's face and Changbin gritted his teeth as he reached for the younger's arm to look for a pulse, bracing for the worst.

_Thump. Thump._

There was a pulse. Thank god there was a pulse. Changbin let out a shaky breath and reached into his coat pocket for his phone when—

"Who—Changbin hyung? What are you doing?"

Amidst Changbin's inner conflict, Felix's eyes fluttered open and he propped himself up with his elbow as tried to wipe the sleep out of his eyes. He couldn't understand how and why Changbin was even in his room, but next thing he knew, Changbin pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly, trembling and distraught. Although confused, Felix could only hug him back.

"Don't scare me like that ever again," Changbin's voice cracked.

"I'm sorry? Sorry," Felix mumbled.

"Hyung is more sorry, really. I'm so sorry."

"Why does hyung have to be sorry?" Felix asked, bewildered.

"Hyung is so sorry."

After a stretch of silence, Changbin began to speak. Changbin still held Felix in his arms, but he pulled away from him slightly to look him in the eye.

"Lix, I thought...I thought you were gone. When I saw you on the floor I just, I-you were passed out on the floor and I didn't know what to think. After your letter..." Changbin trailed off. He wondered where to begin, but he must've taken too long since Felix took over and started speaking.

"Sorry about that. I went over to your place at around five this morning to drop off the letter and walked around for a while so I felt kind of tired once I got back. I meant to go back to sleep, but I did a bit of yoga since my neck was feeling stiff and I guess I just fell asleep while I was doing that one pose where you just lie on your back at the end of the session."

"Oh. Okay." Changbin felt a little better knowing this, but then he remembered why he came over in the first place. The letter.

"Felix...speaking of the letter, the reason why I'm here in the first place is because of your letter actually. I read it and...god," Changbin closes his eyes briefly to collect himself. He was surprised he had any more tears to shed after this morning's sobfest.

"Lix, I'm never  _not_ going to be here for you. No matter what you say or do, the fact that you're Felix, my Jikseu, is never going to change. If you want to cry, cry all you want so that you can let out all those pent-up emotions and I'll wipe away your tears for you and do anything to make you laugh again. If you want to talk, I'll drop anything in a heartbeat and come to you. If you want to give up and I'm the one thing that's holding you back, I'm sorry, but I'm really fucking glad that I am. Don't feel guilty for putting me in this position because I'd put myself in this position even if you didn't because it would kill me to lose you. We've only known each other for a year, but it feels like it's been a lifetime, Lix, and I plan to stick around for as long as you want me. If you're feeling tired of everything? I'll lend you a hand, I'll listen to anything you want to get off your chest. We can just lie down and listen to music together or watch a funny movie and I'll even run to the store to get you your favorite strawberry ice cream-" Changbin was just rambling at this point and Felix cut him off by pulling him into a bone-crushing hug.

"Thank you, Changbin hyung," Felix managed to choke out despite the tears that blurred his vision.

"Of course, Lix-ah," Changbin replied, and once Felix let him go, Changbin reached over to wipe away the tears that ran down Felix's face. This only made Felix cry harder and he turned around so that his back was now facing the elder. Changbin hugged him from behind, arms wrapped around his shoulders and continued his mini-rant. He just had to get the message across to Felix. He was too important for him to lose.

"I'll do anything and everything in my power to make it easier for you. You don't have to fake your smiles anymore, Jikseu. Even if I can't make you happy, I'm content with at least putting a smile on your face and one day, you'll be able to smile on your own again. I know life feels shitty right now, but look at it this way, if you've reached your lowest point, things can only improve and you can only soar higher from here on out, right? If it's tiring, take your time, go at your own pace and take things day by day and eventually, everything will be okay. I promise."

Felix held onto him tighter and Changbin comforted the younger. They sat this way for at least 20 minutes, unmoving and leaning into each other’s embrace, both serving as an anchor for the other.

Changbin couldn't imagine life without his Jikseu who had the most radiant smile and the kindest heart and he was grateful to have gotten these words out before it was too late. He was so glad that Felix opened up to him and that he had the chance to speak to him about all this. Suddenly, a thought hit him and although he wasn't sure about the idea before, at that moment, Changbin knew it was something that he wanted to commit to for sure.

"If you don't mind, I want to take you somewhere. Do you have time?" Changbin suddenly asked.

"I'm free all day, where are we going?" Felix inquired.

"It's a surprise," Changbin replied with an air of finality. Ever since he read what Felix said to Jisung, there was something that Changbin really wanted to do, both for himself and for Felix, and he decided right then and there to bring Felix with him.

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"It's beautiful," Felix marveled.

"Yeah, it is," Changbin agreed.

Changbin had a freshly tattooed word on his wrist, which spelled out ' **Stay** '.

"Why 'stay' hyung?" Felix asked. The raven-haired boy had said nothing to the brunette and simply dragged him across town to an underground tattoo parlor without further explanation. Changbin had decided to keep his decision and reason for the tattoo a secret until it was done.

"It's pretty simple. Stay with me, Felix. That's all I ask from you."

Changbin made Felix cry for the second time that day; Felix was so overwhelmed and ridiculously grateful to the boy in front of him. Words could not explain how precious he was to him and how much love and respect Felix had for the other. His hyung was the light at the end of the tunnel and when all seemed lost and hopeless.

About an hour later, the two exited the tattoo parlor, hand-in-hand with matching ' **Stay** ' tattoos on their wrists.  

 


	16. Felix's Beloved Mafia

When the nine of them gathered at the apartment later that week, Chan was the first to notice the matching ink on Changbin and Felix but decided against asking them about it. They always respected each other's privacy and none of them would force another to tell them anything. Plus, Chan figured, if Felix and Changbin wanted to tell others about the tattoo, they would do it themselves. Hyunjin and Jisung however, asked their respective best friends about why they suddenly decided to get a tattoo. The pair remained cryptic about the meaning behind the tattoos themselves and merely gave their best friends vague answers, claiming that they simply wanted matching tattoos. Hyunjin and Jisung didn't press their friends any further about the matter.

It started snowing that afternoon and Chan proposed that they should play Mafia, one of Felix's favorite games since he felt bad for stopping Felix from playing in the snow. In Chan's defense, he was just looking out for him since it was Felix's first winter in Korea, but Felix didn't want to listen to Chan's reasoning—what use was it if he couldn't play in the snow that he has only heard of before coming to Korea and merely seen a handful of times this winter—and although he didn't protest, Felix sat himself in a corner and started sulking. 

When Chan mentioned Mafia, however, Felix's face lit up and he all but begged everyone to join the game. Even though they had better things to do, none of them could refuse Felix's animated request; they couldn't bear to make the young boy upset. Felix was hesitant to ask Changbin and Jisung since they were working on lyrics for a song, but they must've heard Felix asking the others to join since the two emerged from Chan and Changbin's room without being asked. Once everyone was gathered in a circle, Felix clapped excitedly as the game was about to begin and Chan couldn't help but smile at the sight of a happy Felix. 

Jisung was the host/MC, but before they all lowered their heads, Felix shot a pointed look at his best friend.

"Sungie, I swear to god, you better not make me mafia."

"No promises, Lix," Jisung said neutrally. Felix grumbled in response. 

Felix was strangely perceptive when it came to reading people and somehow managed to identify the mafia almost immediately most of the time. When it came to being the mafia, however, the poor boy was simply a lost cause; he couldn't trick others even if his life depended on it. 

Jisung ultimately chose Minho and Changbin as mafias and even though Changbin made no visible slip-ups, since the boys liked to pick on him, they all ganged up on him at the end of the first round. They were surprised but thoroughly amused when they found out that he was indeed a mafia, and although Minho almost succeeded in tricking the others, in the last round Felix and Seungmin voted for him and thus, the citizens won the game. 

"Dun, dun, dun! It's punishment time for our Minho and Binnie," Chan announced at the end of the game with a devilish smile on his face. Anyone who didn't know him would mistake him for a creepy stalker due to his menacing grin and purposefully deep chuckle.

"Any ideas?" Woojin asked the group with an amused grin on his face.  

"How about the two of you kiss each other on the cheek?" Jisung suggested animatedly to Changbin and Minho. 

Minho's eyes immediately narrowed into a piercing glare, but Jisung remained unfazed; it would've looked threatening had Minho been anyone else but himself, but alas, Minho's insanely beautiful features coupled with his 4D personality made him anything but threatening.    

"What?" Jisung retorted before smirking, "Do you want me to kiss you instead, hyung?" 

As if he could read the elder's mind, Jisung dodged Minho's incoming attack before he swiftly hid behind Woojin and proceeded to weave his way through his group of friends. Minho was hot on his trail and thus, within the next few seconds the Tom and Jerry duo clambered over the sofa until Minho grabbed a fistful of Jisung's shirt, pulling the younger towards him. 

"Yah, come here you brat!" 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Jisung cried out, flailing and squealing under the elder's mercy until Woojin told the two to shut it—not that he actually used those exact words, but his "shh, be quiet" had the same effect nonetheless.

Once the duo reverted to using their indoor voices thanks to Woojin, Minho squished Jisung's cheeks with one hand and leaned in, threatening him with a peck. 

"awefjskdjf—ack!" Jisung muttered incoherently before exclaiming once he escaped from his hyung's grasp. 

"Why don't I give  _you_  a kiss instead of Changbinnie?" Minho said smugly, "Didn't you say you would give me a kiss?"

While Minho continued to threaten Jisung with kisses despite Jisung's protests, Felix suddenly snapped his fingers and let out a small "aha!", as if an idea had suddenly popped up in his head. 

"I have an idea!” Felix announced, “Instead of Changbin hyung and Minho hyung, what if it's Changbin hyung and..."

"And who?" Hyunjin inquired after Felix's left his sentence unfinished.  

"And me," Felix said with finality. 

Changbin, whose eyes were previously trained on the brunette, lowered his gaze towards the ground as he let out a small sputter of surprise.  _What? Me? He wants me to kiss him?_  

"How about it, hyung?" Felix asked while looking him directly in the eye, "You love me, don't you?" he then said before breaking out in a wide grin. 

The rest of the boys hollered in the background and Woojin chanted "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" as Hyunjin pushed Changbin closer to Felix. Felix wrapped an arm around Changbin to stabilize him as Changbin stumbled towards him, and Changbin's heart leaped when Felix smiled softly at him before asking if he was okay.  _No_ , Changbin wanted to say,  _I'm not okay because you're asking me to kiss you and it's not like I don't want to—and you've got that precious smile on your face and damn it, I'm not okay at all and it's all because of your ridiculously innocent self._

Changbin knew that unlike Minho who would always try to kiss Jisung in a bout of teasing, Felix wasn't asking him to do this with any kind of hidden motive in mind. Knowing his Jikseu, he probably wasn't even trying to make him flustered. It was plain and simple really, Felix was innocent to a fault and Changbin was sure that the younger was sincere about wanting that kiss and probably saw nothing wrong with asking for it—and Changbin wouldn't say that there was anything  _wrong_  with kissing Felix, it was just that his heart was beating at a thundering pace and he sensed that this might be something more than an innocent peck on the cheek (for him at least) and frankly, he didn't know how he should feel upon this sudden realization.

"Hyung, you're really not going to do it?" Felix asked him softly with a hint of disappointment in his tone, which snapped Changbin out of his confusing thoughts.

"I am," Changbin swiftly replied, albeit his erratic pulse and panicked state, "how many seconds?"  

"Three seconds?" Felix blurted out as the reality of the situation seemed to dawn on him. Why was he nervous again? Felix became restless as his nerves caught up to him; he started sporadically screaming once Changbin wrapped his hands around his neck in a bid to get him to stay still (and honestly, Changbin had no idea what he was doing anyway—he didn't really know why he was choking the poor boy half to death, but how could he even think straight in this kind of situation?), which caused the noise level in the room go up by several decibels. That, coupled with Jeongin's dolphin screams and the rest of their friend's cheering should've felt deafening to the raven-haired boy, but Changbin couldn't hear it over the sound of his own heartbeat reverberating in his ears.

"Stay still," Changbin muttered gruffly as the Aussie boy wildly thrashed around in his hold. The brunette stilled but his screaming all but ceased, and despite the fact that his face was heating up, Changbin pressed his lips against Felix's right cheek.

 _1, 2, 3_  Changbin counted in his head as his lips remained connected to Felix's soft cheeks. 

After those three seconds passed, as if on instinct, the two of them broke away at the same time while Felix continued to scream at the top of his lungs. Why he was screaming, he didn't really know; was it out of nervousness? Or was it excitement? Maybe a mix of both? Despite his confusion, Felix was sure that regardless of what it was, he certainly felt  _something_. 

On the other hand, after the kiss, Changbin refused to look Felix in the eye. The tips of his ears burned and he was grateful that the hood of his hoodie was up, which helped cover the tell-tale sign of his embarrassment. It troubled him that kissing Felix felt more pleasant than it should've been, but for some reason, the raven-haired boy couldn't stop replaying the memory in his head. 

+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+

Although they weren't lying next to each other, that night, Changbin and Felix fell asleep with the same thought on their minds. 

The last thing on Changbin's mind before he succumbed to darkness was the feeling of Felix's warm cheek against his lips. 

As Changbin drifted off into dreamland, Felix was just getting into bed. Once he was settled in, Felix instinctively reached for his face and lightly touched his cheek. The feeling of his Binnie hyung kissing him lingered in his memory and if you asked him, Felix could've sworn he felt his cheek tingling still late into the night. 


	17. Anchor

_Breathe in and out. You can do this, Lix._

Felix tried to reassure himself for the hundredth time that day, but to no avail, and he silently willed his shaking hands to still as he exhaled another shaky breath. With his forehead resting against his tightly clasped hands, if anyone passed by and noticed Felix, they would undoubtedly pick up on his distress and blatant nervousness. It was the evening of the showcase and Felix was a nervous wreck, to say the least. Despite his passion and talent for dance, Felix was also a pro at psyching himself out and never failed to have a nervous breakdown before any kind of recital, showcase or any event of the like. It was hopeless—even though he knew that he was more than ready since he had practiced all year, since Felix was a naturally anxious person and was prone to hyperventilating, there was no helping his current situation. Felix could only hope to eventually calm his tremors by doing some breathing exercises and some self-hypnosis—he figured that if he repeated it enough, he could potentially trick himself into thinking that everything will be fine.

"Hey Jikseu, how are you holding up?" Changbin asked as he took a seat next to the younger. The raven-haired boy had his eyes trained on the younger, but Felix wouldn't meet his eyes.

Felix didn't need to reply, they both already knew the answer to that question.

For the past few days, Changbin had been staying with Felix after dance practice every day in order to keep him in check and prevent him from overexerting himself after finding out about Felix's frantic state. Unbeknownst to his friends and aunt, about two weeks prior to the showcase, Felix stayed behind after every practice to go through the dance sequence again and again. He had even told his aunt that he would be sleeping over at the boys' apartment for the next two weeks in order to work on projects and practice for the showcase (which wasn't a lie) when in reality, he was constantly in the dance studio until 5 in the morning on most days.

All went well without a hitch until Hyunjin came along; with Felix's insistence to practice 'just a little longer' after every meeting and his seemingly permanent eyebags, four days before the showcase, Hyunjin decided to wait outside the studio to see just how long Felix was really practicing for. After half an hour, Hyunjin decided to intervene and went back into the room in an attempt to drag Felix with him, but the Aussie boy adamantly refused. 'Just a little longer' he had said yet again, so Hyunjin gave up and decided to leave for the time being. By ten o'clock, Hyunjin figured that Felix would be long gone, but he double checked just in case, and to his surprise, Felix was still rehearsing in the studio. Frankly, at this point, Hyunjin was scared for his friend's well-being; his body looked like it could give out any second now due to overexertion. Having never been one for confrontation, however, Hyunjin decided to enlist his hyung's help instead and after a quick phone call, Hyunjin left the studio. He knew that his friend would be in good hands. Not even ten minutes later, Felix made eye contact with his hyung who was leaning against the door, and the two exchanged knowing glances.

To Felix's surprise, instead of demanding him to leave, Changbin simply asked him why he felt the need to practice so much.

"Is the upcoming showcase worrying you?" the elder prompted.

Changbin made his way towards the younger and grasped his hand, pulling him towards the side of the room and making him take a seat. The two sat side-by-side on the floor against the mirror and Felix rested his head against the elder's shoulder, body giving out completely out of pure exhaustion. Changbin patted Felix's sweat-drenched hair and lightly brushed the younger's damp locks out of his eyes. Changbin acted as an anchor for the younger as he supported Felix's entire body weight, but as much as he was a physical anchor for the exhausted dancer, his hyung was also an anchor for him mentally and emotionally as well, so Felix poured out his deprecating thoughts without reserve.

He would never feel good enough compared to the other dancers on the team, Hyunjin and Minho hyung included, Felix admitted defeatedly, and this was the only way he knew how to improve. Taking in the sight of the younger's ghastly eyebags and slouched stature, Changbin asked Felix for the truth about his practice habits.

"How much have you really been practicing lately, Lix?"

This kind of mental and physical exhaustion could only be brought upon Felix due to overexertion and lack of sleep, and Changbin was especially in tune with these things since he roomed with Chan, who always worked more than he slept. Chan pulled more all-nighters in a month than he ever did in his whole life, and Felix's eyebags matched that of the other Aussie, which was not a good thing in the least.

Felix didn't even attempt to lie and simply told the elder about how he usually practiced until early morning, to which Changbin acknowledged with a simple nod. Changbin understood Felix well—he couldn't say that he hadn't done the same but he knew better than to do that now. Changbin tightened his hold on the younger's hand and looked out of the corner of his eye in order to observe his dongsaeng's facial expression.

"Lix, hard work does pay off, but if you work yourself to the brink of exhaustion, you'll only increase the chances of hurting yourself and messing up. Just trust in all those days, months and years of training and let yourself rest. You'll perform even better that way," Changbin reasoned. Trying a little harder was one thing, but Felix was quite literally working himself to the ground, which was not only detrimental to his performance but his physical and mental well-being as well.

Those words seemed to work like magic for the freckled Australian and he hummed in agreement. Changbin noticed Felix's eyes fluttering closed. The fatigue must've caught up to him and he all but curled up against his hyung, whose words were as comforting and reassuring as always. Even if he wasn't sure about the outcome of the recital, his hyung's presence made everything okay.   
+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+

"Jikseu," Changbin said softly, "it's almost 5:30."

"Alright, I guess it's time...I'm gonna head backstage now."

"Want me to come with?" Changbin suggested.

"...Would you please?"

"Of course I will. Lead the way," Changbin replied before holding out his hand for the younger to hold. Felix smiled widely and intertwined their hands without a second thought, pulling on the elder as he broke into a sprint. He couldn't risk being late, especially since he was already stressed out enough as it was.

Once they made it backstage, the pair heard someone call Felix's name.

"Felix!" Minho called out, "Where have you been? We have to get into positions like right now!"

"Sorry, hyung," Felix replied, heartbeat flaring anew with the thought of stepping onstage in a short while.

"Hey, Lix, breathe. You've got this," Changbin reassured from his side. He had forgotten about his hyung for a second there. He looked Changbin in the eye and was about to speak when the choreographer yelled from a distance.

"Places!" the choreographer hollered.

"Wish me luck hyung, I'll need it," Felix mumbled, but before the elder released Felix's hand, Changbin kissed the back of his hand and smiled fondly at him.

"You're gonna do amazing, Jikseu. I'll be cheering for you."

Felix's heart skipped a beat and the Australian stared at his hyung, positively stunned. The back of his hand now prickled with sensation and he didn't know what to make of what just happened.

"Flirt with each other later, we have a show to put on!" Minho exclaimed, dismissing Changbin with a wave of his hand and pushing Felix towards the group of dancers who were lining up before either of them could protest.

"Hey," Hyunjin greeted Felix when he approached him, "how are you feeling?"

"Nervous."

"Me too, but we've got this. Let's put on a good show, yeah?"

"Yeah, let's do this," Felix replied in affirmation, confidence suddenly surging through his veins.

The rest of the time spent backstage passed in a blur and soon enough, Felix was onstage. Seeing the sea of people and knowing that they were there to see his dance crew perform?

_I've got this._

As soon as he made the first move, all his worries dissipated and Felix attacked every move, demanding attention with his intensity and charisma. His glare pierced the audience and the energy onstage was electric; even though every dancer brought something different to the table in terms of individuality, the group moved as one and their excitement spread like wildfire among one another and they ignited the stage with their energy. Performance after performance, from solos to duos to group dances, not a single performance disappointed and soon enough, Felix found himself bowing to the audience. The cheers were deafening and although he was heaving, out of breath and sweating under the bright lights, a sense of pride and accomplishment swelled in his chest. The moment felt so surreal and he had never loved dance more than he did at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we've made it this far, but this story is coming to an end soon! I originally planned on making it longer, but I think that it would take away from its original message so I ultimately decided against it. I may or may not be planning a sequel for this though, so we'll see :)  
> -AstralLix


	18. His Safe Space

It was near dinner time when the sea of children, teenagers, and adults started to disperse after a day of ceaseless physical activity and excited laughter. As the sun descended into the horizon, Felix's eyes followed the movement of a mother and son, the only remaining people in the park besides himself. The mother was trying to persuade her son to let go of the swing set, and after some gentle coaxing, the child finally let go of the weathered blue seat in resignation and the clanging of the metal chains reverberated through the now-empty park. Felix was now alone with his thoughts and he took a trip down memory lane, something he did more often than not. This specific evening, however, he had a small epiphany and the Aussie boy dwelled on this new discovery. 

It's interesting how time flies, Felix marveled, and how everything heals with time. Several months ago, he was sitting on this very bench, frozen in shock due to the news of his friend's sudden passing. At the sight of the unoccupied swings and slides, Felix was reminded of the desolate and deserted state of that very same playground that previous winter and Felix supposed he finally figured out why he was so drawn to this park whenever he was feeling troubled. Ever since he moved to Korea, this was his safe space and the playground was a physical manifestation of his mental state. During the winter, the park is usually isolated, devoid of people and warmth. The slides and swing sets are still, bare and under the mercy of the relentless weather. Once the weather gets warmer, people start to gather once again; the sun is out and shining and children are running about. There's a cathartic, carefree feeling in the air. This reminded Felix a lot of himself, of all the good and bad days he's been through. 

Over the years, he has come to the conclusion that most people simply will never truly understand the extent of his feelings, not unless they've experienced it for themselves. When shit happens and Felix is thrown for a loop, his emotions always get the best of him and after crying his heart out, an emptiness always plagued him. With time, anyone could learn to control their emotions, but it's the unrelenting feeling of emptiness that hurts most. When you're an empty shell of yourself and you don't even have the energy to care about anything...that's when the voices inside your head take over. 

When all the self-loathing and self-hatred kicks in, most people are so caught up in all the negativity and self-deprecating thoughts that they refuse to see reason and start to push away those who care the most. Even when friends and family reach out to their troubled loved one, sometimes it simply isn't enough and another soul ultimately succumbs to their inner demons. There are times when life just isn't fair and sometimes it just becomes too much for a tired soul to bear; these people were crushed and completely defeated by the circumstances which defined their lives. It doesn't have to be that way.

He  _knows_  how hard, no, scratch that, how nearly impossible it is to break free once one is plagued with depression. He was and  _is_  one of those people, and even though he's survived the worst of it and things are looking up, Felix knows he'll never truly escape from his depression **—** and he's okay with that. There will be days when he hates life, when he sees no purpose in living to see another day, when he's hiding from the world because he's shaking and hyperventilating, but there will also be days when he's truly happy and content because he's surrounded by the people he loves, by people who also love him.

That's why, if Felix could extend a hand and help every person who has felt this way, his past self included, he would do so without a second thought. He wants to tell them again and again that everything will be okay with time. There's always hope at the end of the tunnel, no matter how fucked up the situation is, and he knows that now thanks to his friends and one especially incredible person in his life. 

At the thought of said person, Felix is suddenly reminded of his hyung's birthday (which was the very next day) and although Felix already bought a nice recording set with a microphone alongside it for the elder, he still had a letter to write. The freckled boy decided then that it was time to leave his safe space and make his way home. Not long after, he sat at his desk before an empty sheet of paper and just started pouring his heart out for a certain raven-haired boy. 

+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+

**Dear Changbin hyung,**

**Happy 21st birthday, hyung** ❤️ **One year flew by so quickly, it feels like just yesterday when we were celebrating your 20th birthday and you dropped your cake...I really wanted to eat that cake TT TT Let's make sure to leave the cake on the table this time, just in case! (You know I'm just teasing, right Binnie hyung? ^^) Anyway, can you believe it's been only about a year and a half since you and I first met? It feels like we've known each other for forever, and it's hard to believe that there was ever a time when you weren't a part of my life.**  
**In our friend group...**

[ _to be continued_ ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fellow Stays~  
> The next chapter will be the last, so it'll be a longer update and I should be posting the chapter within the next few days so look out for it ^^. If you've been following the story, thank you so much for sticking around for this long!  
> -AstralLix


	19. You Were My Life Preserver

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHANGBIN HYUNG!" Felix bellowed upon entering the house. The brunette gently set the present he had in his hands on the floor before looking around the room for a certain birthday boy. Once he found him, Felix's ran towards his target and practically threw himself at his hyung.

"Happy birthday hyung!" Felix exclaimed once again as he wrapped his arms around the elder.

"Thanks, Jikseu," Changbin chuckled.

Once he let go of Changbin, Felix spotted the pile of presents sitting on the dining room table, so he went back to the entryway in order to retrieve his present and add it to the pile. After that was done, Felix went into the kitchen to say hi to Chan, Woojin, and Minho who were busy cooking Changbin's birthday feast before he headed back out into the living room. 

As he turned around, Felix halted to a sudden stop and stood at the doorway, arms crossed as he leaned on the wall for support. He quietly observed his hyung who was preoccupied with sorting through his presents, and Felix carefully took in the elder's facial features as if he didn't stare at him every day. To Felix's surprise, seconds later, Changbin looked up and stared right back at him. Felix suppressed a squeak of surprise as they locked eyes, and when the elder inched closer and closer to him, Felix's heart thundered against his chest. Even though the brunette wanted to avert his eyes, he couldn't; the look that they shared became more and more intense by the second and it was as if the elder's eyes were magnetic, captivating brown orbs pulling him in. 

**—**

When Changbin looked up from the pile of presents from his friends, he was met with Felix's gaze on him. The younger had backed away slightly in surprise and after locking eyes with his sunshine, Changbin mindlessly lowered his gaze, which had him staring at Felix's heart-shaped lips. They were a pretty pink, and despite his prominent cupid's bow, there was a certain softness to the younger's lips that made looking away next to impossible, so Changbin didn't resist the temptation and simply stared at it some more. Meanwhile, Felix's gaze wavered and he bit his bottom lip, and even though Changbin knew it was a nervous habit of his, in an instant, something in him changed. Changbin's eyes locked with that of the younger's and their eyes spoke for them; a certain thought flitted through his mind and Changbin suddenly shook his head as if to dispel the cursed thought. He took a step back as a flush of pink crept up his face and he tried to distract himself by picking up one of the gift boxes. 

Changbin ended up grabbing a medium-sized box wrapped in blue wrapping paper complete with a gold bow and he arched a brow when Felix told him to go ahead and open it. Was it his gift? Once he ripped apart the wrapping paper, Changbin lifted the lid off the box and all he could see at first was a bunch of tissue paper filling up the empty space. Somewhere within all the seemingly endless ball of tissue paper was a letter that sat on top of a smaller box.

Changbin's suspicions were confirmed when he picked up the letter. As he was about to tear open the envelope, Felix stopped him, mumbling something about reading it at a later time. Changbin didn't think much of it and simply complied to the younger's request, opting instead to open the smaller box in front of him, which revealed the recording and microphone set that Felix had gotten for him.

"No way," Changbin breathed out.

"Way," Felix replied, grinning widely.

"What?! No fair! That's so awesome," Jisung exclaimed. Everyone started crowding around the two boys and within seconds, there was suddenly a group of nine boys marveling over the expensive gift. Besides Changbin himself, out of everyone, Jisung and Chan were the most astonished at the sight of the device in front of them. 

For the longest time, Chan had been producing tracks on his laptop while Jisung and Changbin recorded songs complete with their lyrics on their cell phones, and since they were a bit hesitant to fully commit to their music, they weren't sure if they should invest in any kind of equipment. The trio felt as though they were just messing around, but their ambition seemed to have reignited once more by the fact that they now had something to record their songs with.

"Thank you so much, Lix. I love it." 

Changbin scooted closer to Felix to pull him into a side hug, which earned him a small grin from the younger.

"You're welcome, hyung," Felix replied, "I thought your songs were too amazing to go to waste, so I figured what better gift to get you than this?"

"Hell yeah, let's record 'Grow Up' with this bad boy later," Jisung interrupted as he clapped his hands together in excitement.

"Grow Up?" Woojin wondered aloud, "Hm, I haven't heard that one yet." 

"Don't worry, we'll let all of you guys listen to it once it's complete," Chan promised.

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Grow Up

**Woah, eyo, woah oh oh**

**Woah, eyo, woah oh oh**  
  
**You fell down for a moment, it’s okay, I’ll help you get up, did you worry a lot?**  
**No, no, no, it’s still your first time**  
**That’s okay, everybody has been through this**  
**Adults had it too when they were young**  
**They’ve made mistakes and grew up with it**  
**We’ve still got lots of things ahead of us**  
**It’s all good, we’ll grow going through them, don’t cry**  
  
**When we fall behind, we can take a break**  
**You’re doing good** , **if it gets too hard**  
**I’ll run with you, don’t worry**  
**Get up and roll up your sleeves, don’t give up**  
  
**[Chorus]** **You’re doing good, oh**  
**You’re doing good yeah**  
**Hold on, just hang in there**  
**I’ll be by your side**

  
**You’re doing good, oh**  
**You’re doing good**  
**You gotta take your time, you can do it**  
**You can do it well**  
  
**If you’re thinking about stopping or quitting**  
**Or “why is it so hard for me?”**  
**Stop thinking about these stupid thoughts**  
**Go run instead**  
**It feels like you’re on an endless race**  
**Mentally and physically exhausted, getting caught with giving up**  
**The end is up to you, where is your destination?**  
**The fact that you’re running towards your dream**  
**Means you’re doing good, you’re doing good for sure**  
**You’re doing your best as far as I know**  
**That’s all that matters, just keep it at your own pace**  
**Don’t be so anxious, believe in yourself and rely on yourself**

**[Chorus]**

**Don’t give up though it’s hard and you’re tired**  
**Don’t push yourself away, you’re just a bit clumsy**  
**When this passes and you look back on you**  
**You could say this to yourself**  
  
**Woah, eyo, woah oh oh** **(4x)**  
  
**You’re doing good, oh**  
**You’re doing good yeah**  
**Hold on, just hang in there**  
**I’ll be by your side**  
  
**You’re doing good, oh**  
**You’re doing good**  
**You gotta take your time, you can do it**  
**You can do it well**

"It's beautiful," Felix whispered, eyes sparkling with unshed tears. 

Changbin had led Felix into his room to let him listen to the song he wrote for him (although he has yet to know it) as soon as he finished recording it with Chan and Jisung. 

"I was thinking of you when I wrote it," Changbin quietly admitted while looking the other in the eye.

"Really? It's amazing oh my goodness, it's just, I—thank you, hyung. Really," Felix answered with stern conviction after stumbling over the initial few words. The song was beautiful and he couldn't believe that the elder had written it with him in mind. 

"Of course, Jikseu. Anything for you," Changbin answered. His tone was light and gentle even though his words were anything but; Changbin meant every word that he had said and every syllable that he had uttered.  

"Thank you for everything, hyung."

The elder interlaced the younger's small hand in his own and the two smiled softly at the sight of their matching 'Stay' tattoos adorned on their wrists. 

"Thank  _you_  for staying with me, Lix."

 **—**  
**Dear Changbin hyung,**

 **Happy 21st birthday, hyung** ❤️ **One year flies by so quickly, it feels like just yesterday when we were celebrating your 20th birthday and you dropped your cake...I really wanted to eat that cake TT TT Let's make sure to leave the cake on the table this time, just in case! (You know I'm just teasing, right Binnie hyung? ^^) Anyway, can you believe it's been only about a year and a half since we first met? It feels like we've known each other for forever, and it's hard to believe that there has ever been a time in my life without you in it.**

**In our friend group, you're kind of the middle child, and even though you're a mischievous dongsaeng to the hyungs, you're also an amazing hyung to the rest of us. Us '00 liners especially like to mess with you a lot, but you know it's because we love you, right hyung?~ Sungie, Jinnie, Seungminnie and I are secretly part of the Changbin hyung protection squad, hehe c: (Never fear, the '00 liners are here~ ^o^) Don't tell them I told you this, but do you remember that one time when you were partnered up with that jerk for a science project? After he threatened you, we may or may not have trashed his things and...I won't go into the details, but either way that stupid jerk got what he deserved. If anyone wants to mess with our Binnie hyung they'll have to get through us first! Only we're allowed to make fun of Binnie Binnie Changbinnie (hyung) >:3**

**All jokes aside, now that I think about it, you have such a deep connection with everyone who knows you regardless of age or personality. I think it's because there's just something about you that feels really familiar in a way? You're just so easy to get along with, and even when you don't know someone well, you always make an effort to joke around in order to make them more comfortable (that's something that I really admire you for, among other things). I've always been more reserved by nature and I suppose I'm more closed off than I intend to be. I'm scared of being judged and I don't trust others easily, be it strangers or even friends and family. It's honestly really hard for me to make friends because I would never take the initiative to approach someone else first, and I'm not a spontaneous person by any means. It was especially hard for me when I first moved here because of my introverted personality and on top of that, I wasn't at all familiar with the language so there was no way for me to communicate with others. I had no one to rely on but myself and I was so grateful to have met you and the rest of the boys. Besides our first encounter at your workplace, when Sungie introduced me to you guys, you were the first one to reach out to me besides Chris. Despite the language barrier** — **my Korean was practically nonexistent and your English wasn't too great either** — **you would always strike up a conversation with me and whenever we were together, you always translated for me when you knew the English word for something. You would rephrase your sentences so that I could understand something, and you always made it a point to include me in conversations just so I wouldn't feel left out.**

 **A while back when we were talking about our first impressions of each other, when you mentioned that you used all the English words that you knew to try to talk to me, I was just so grateful** — **and how could I not have been? You didn't have to befriend me but you did, you didn't have to go out of your way to speak English for me but you did. Changbin hyung, you're just so considerate in every way possible, please stop making me fall in love with you but uh, I didn't say that...ha, ha ha...ha...moving on! >///<**

**Upon first glance, you're such a charismatic person, both in the way you look and your personality, and you come off as slightly intimidating (it also doesn't help that you're always wearing black clothing, hyung...) although you're anything but that. You're just a very straightforward person, and even though you can be blunt with your words, it's never unwarranted and it's always something that needs to be said. You're never mean nor condescending about it either, which is why we come to you for advice a lot. I don't think we mention this enough and I'm sure the boys feel the same way as well, so thank you so, so much for always listening to our problems even though you get nothing in return. Sometimes, we're just too embarrassed to admit it because we're emotionally constipated teenagers, but we're so grateful to have you with us, hyung.**

**With that said, I don't know how to even begin to thank you for all the things you've done for me personally. There's so much to talk about and I'm just so grateful you're in my life, hyung. A few months ago, I hit rock bottom and I didn't know what to do. I was struggling to get through a single day and I felt like I had nothing to live for; one bad thing came after another and I cracked under all the pressure. I was stressed beyond belief and for the longest time, I was always trying to meet everyone's expectations. Even when I managed to please everybody else, I wasn't able to do that for myself, which was probably what frustrated me most. At the time, I was my own biggest enemy; I was disappointed in myself for all the things that I felt like I should've done and no matter how hard I tried, it felt like it would never be enough. I started not caring, and after that, it was just a continuous downward spiral until I was an empty shell of myself. I hated life for putting me in such shitty situations and I hated myself for everything, really. I was battered to the ground, brutally attacked by my own emotions and all the voices in my head, and then there was nothing** — **I was just empty. I would burst into tears during random moments in the day and then stare into space, unthinking and unmoving as time passed continuously.**

**My emotions were in control of me and I had no control over anything in my life. As I grew to become more and more worn out by everything, I felt so tired and exhausted from simply existing that I wanted to let go, to close my eyes once and for all and finally be at peace. It was like I was submerged underwater for the longest time and just as I was ready to let go of that bated breath, you swam towards me and pulled me with you. We broke the surface together and I was heaving, gasping for air as I drew in a breath for the first time in a long time. Like anyone who is just starting on the road to recovery, like anyone who was badly injured and just narrowly escaped death, I struggled blindly during those following weeks, especially during the first few days. Even though you rescued me, I didn't know if I was relieved or not, but you told me to take it day by day and that you'd be here for me every step along the way, and although it was hard at first, you always found a way to make me smile. When I first took your advice, I would constantly stare at the clock, wondering when the day would finally end so that I could crawl back into my bed, but then it slowly got easier and I stopped thinking about getting through a single day. Days turned into weeks and into months and eventually, I started to feel whole again. I finally felt alive, like I was finally living instead of simply existing.**

**Changbin hyung, you were my lifebouy, my life preserver. You kept me afloat when I couldn't do it for myself, and when we got out of the water, you anchored me until I was ready to walk again by myself. Although I'm now back on my two feet and relying on my own strength, my journey is far from over. Just as before, I have yet to find a purpose in life, but I'm okay with that. I'm happy and content with where I currently am and I'm willing to do things at my own pace. When I get caught up in all the uncertainties and I start to psych myself out, you always remind me to breathe and never fail to reassure me that everything will be okay. You're just amazing in every aspect of the word and you're such a blessing to me, to the rest of the boys, to your family and to everyone who has been fortunate enough to meet you in your last 21 years of existence. Thank you for being you, Seo Changbin. I hope you never forget how special you are.**

**Despite how special you are to me, I'm sure others will find themselves admiring you as well and this isn't simply about your personality. I think you, Sungie, and Chan hyung really have something special going on with your music. Apart from the sick beats that you guys are producing, there's something about your lyrics that really speak to others. When you and Sungie write lyrics for your songs, it's always so brutally honest and so unapologetically** ** _you_** **, and even though it's only a side hobby of yours for now, I have a feeling that should you guys choose to pursue that path, you'll end up capturing the heart of your listeners. It's hard to deny talent and I think you three have the ambition and skills to do it—** **but of course, it's totally up to the three of you. I just wanted to mention how much I love your rapping and lyricism, and just know that if you guys decide to release your music, I'll be SpearB's number one fan~ ^^ Hehe.**

 **Wow, this has gotten long. I didn't mean to write this much but it's hard not to gush about someone as amazing as you are! Ah...that was cringe-worthy...TT TT Anyways, happy 21st birthday again, I** **love you, Binnie hyung** ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

 

**Love,**

**Your Jikseu**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this, we have finally reached the end of the story! Cue the long author's note, haha. 
> 
> First off, thank you so, so much to everyone who has left a kudo and to those of you who have made time to leave a comment because they really do mean a lot to me ^^ This is my first ever completed work, both on ao3 and on any platform really, so I really am grateful to everyone who has given this story a chance.  
> Now, onto the purpose of this story: I started writing this because I had a message to share and I hope that I've made it clear enough throughout this entire story. I won't state it explicitly, but just know that it's okay to not be okay sometimes and that time heals all. I can personally attest to that, and if anyone needs to rant or to talk to somebody, I'm always willing to listen. You can even dm me on twitter (@Astral_Lix) if you'd like.
> 
> Thank you for reading and don't forget to stan Stray Kids <3  
> 


	20. Not a Chapter: Sequel

For those who don't know, there is indeed a sequel to this story and it's titled 'Illustrious'.

Go check it out if you're interested!

* * *

  **Summary:**

Changbin is heartbroken.  
It isn't because they broke up per se, because he and Felix weren't together in the first place, but...well, it's complicated.  
—  
In which Felix reappears in Changbin's life just as elusively as he left it.

:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

The first time they crossed paths, Changbin didn't get a chance to see the other's face. A mop of orange hair entered his peripheral vision and left just as quickly as it came as the owner of the eye-catching hair color walked briskly in order to make his escape. They passed each other without interacting and yet, something compelled Changbin to turn around; it was as if his subconscious had detected his presence before he was even physically aware of it. The other had definitely changed appearance-wise within the past few months and to his relief, the raven-haired boy didn't seem to recognize him, or so he thought. As Changbin watched the boy's steadily retreating figure fade into obscurity, he figured he must've been imagining things. It wasn't the first time that he had mistaken someone else for a certain brunette.  _How foolish of me_ , the raven-haired boy thought to himself,  _of course that wasn't him_.

* * *

 

(Honestly, part of the reason why I posted this was because of the fact that this story was completed with 19 chapters and It's so much more satisfying to see 20/20 lol)

 


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